1.21.12

I'm sorry I haven't written in my blog for so long. I start a post and then I never finish it. I'll try to get better about posting more frequently, 'cause Lord knows I need it.

Life without my child has a been a hell hole. I'm not going to lie. I've changed so much. It will be two years in just a few months and I still don't feel like I've gone anywhere with this. I don't cry as much as I used to and I'm able to go through stores and actually look at kids and smile...but my grief still remains the same. The difference is I've started seeing someone for it. I actually like talking to her, but so far it hasn't made a difference...will it ever though? I don't think so. I'm not really sure the point of it actually. It makes me feel better for the time being, but then a few days or weeks later...it's back. I can't shake this dark feeling I've been having lately. A couple weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrist of Leila's name and that night is when I realized I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I've been acting differently...I don't know how to explain it, but apparently my mom and cousin can see it too. I'm distant. I feel it too...I just don't want to do anything to change it I guess. I just want to be alone. The rest of my life I suppose. That's a lonely and sad life if you ask me, but I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I think I'm depressed..but I'm not sure. I'm able to function on a daily basis...I can get things done. I can even feel happy on certain days, but overall I hate my life. I feel no hope. No motivation to live. Don't get me wrong I would never kill myself, but I do think about if I were to die today...I would be happy. It sounds strange and morbid, but I'm not afraid of death that's for sure. I'd almost prefer it to this feeling of emptiness in life. I feel completely empty. I feel like life and people are pulling me in all different directions until they can't pull anymore. I feel weak and stretched to my limit. I'm tired all the time and just want to sleep my days away. I broke up with M back in July and that has taken a toll on me. I thought many times I would get back together with him, that now is just not the right time...but now I don't even want to be with him. That kills me. I feel like another person has died. Only it was our relationship and the last direct connection to Leila. Last night he and I went to the movies. He held my hand and told me he was happy we had her. Tears came down so fast I couldn't stop them. It took a lot of energy to try and keep my feelings inside but I just wanted to scream. I hate that she died. I absolutely hate it. There's this big lump in my throat that I just can't swallow anytime I hear of a new person pregnant in my circle of friends or family. I'm not happy for them. I hate myself for it. But I hate that I can't have my baby even more. I just wish I could change everything...obviously I can't change what happened, but I can change the way I feel about it right? Maybe I just don't want to. I don't know...I really don't. I don't get pleasure out of the things I used to anymore. Or maybe I find pleasure in things that I never did before and that's the problem. I'm self-destructive. Not because I want to be...I think. None of this is even making any sense. That's why it's all so frustrating to me. Nothing makes sense anymore. WHAT am I supposed to learn from all this? I just need some direction. Turning to God didn't help me. I wish it did. I thought church would help but I know that the institution of church just isn't for me. I'm not religious, just spiritual. I choose to have my own relationship with God outside of churches, priests, bibles, etc...but it hasn't changed the way I feel about my life. I just hate it. On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. It's MY life and if I make certain decisions and eventually learn that they were the wrong decisions, DON'T tell me "I told you so". That shit just pisses me off...Anyways I think that's enough complaining for one day. Here are the pictures of my tattoo and Leila's grave I visited last weekend...

I love her stone now just as much as I did the first day I seen it.

Leila,

I wish I could have held you a little longer and took more pictures than I did. I wish I would have known what I know now. It kills me everyday to think I could have had more if I would have known. I could have had more memories if I had written more about you when you were in the NICU. I could have had more pictures to look at now if we had taken more while you were in the NICU. I wish I would've had more support while you were in there. Maybe if I'd had more hope for you in there, you would have lived. I love you so much I can't stand that you're not here with me. I know I'm selfish because you're in the best place you could ever be...but I want to be there with you. I'm jealous that you're with some amazing family members up there and not with me. I'm jealous that I can't be one of those Mommies that watch their babies grow. The most amazing feeling I will never forget is holding you against my chest. I can feel your warmth now and wish you were there again. I miss you more than words could ever express. It's true, I swear. It breaks my heart each day I wake up and you're not there. I miss you SO much. I hope I see you soon. I know it won't be soon enough though.

Mommy loves you!