Please forgive me

I was reading an article that was posted on facebook by another BLM. It was about a photographer that took pictures of babies that have passed for their families. It took me back to the morning you died. They asked (before you died actually) if I wanted to bring in NILMDTS to take pictures for us. I looked over the pamphlet and contemplated for a second. Your daddy told me it was up to me, but I made a quick decision based on what I thought other people would think of it. I didn't know I'd long to stare at your pictures. I didn't notice at the time that I didn't have a picture of me holding you where you could see your face. I've regretted this for the longest. I wish someone would have told me I'd want more of you...that I'd need more of you after you were gone. The nurse also asked if I wanted her to cut a piece of your hair off. Your daddy wanted to, but I said no. All I could think about was how I wanted you in one piece. I didn't want that nurse touching you at all. I already had to leave you in the ground alone...I didn't want to take your hair from you. Now that I think about it I know that it's just hair and that I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I took some to remember you by...but I couldn't bring myself to do it that day. Who can make decisions like that under such a stressful time? We didn't dress you in more than a diaper and a blanket...I should have put you in that little preemie giraffe outfit that I love so much. It's still hanging. Sometimes I lay it against my chest imagining you in it laying on my chest. All of these things break my heart everyday. I miss you. I wish I would have known I'd feel this way when it was happening. I hate myself for it. I just want you back in my arms. I want the chance to do things over. I hope you forgive me. Because I can't forgive myself. I love you my baby.

Love,

Mommy