The last of it...

Yup baby girl that was the last of it. I gave them the last bit of milk I had stored away. Initially it was for you but when you decided you didn't need it, you told me to give it to other babies that really needed it. So I did. Your Tutu and I met Kimberly in person for the first time today. She was the one who kept telling your Tutu how excited she was to be able to receive this milk. I walked in with a huge cooler of your milk, ready to donate it to the Mother's Milk Bank in Denver. All they had to do was get one quick poke from Mommy's arm to make sure I checked out and then off it goes. Kimberly was SUPER excited and told me how strong I was for giving birth to you first of all and then to lose you and still be able to help other babies out while grieving for my loss. But she doesn't know how tiring it's been. I'm so tired. Sometimes I just feel like sleeping away the day. I sometimes think maybe I can just sleep away this pain. Maybe I'd wake up from this nightmare and you'd be laying beside me in the bed. That would be the greatest moment of my life...but I know it won't happen. I'm not sleeping and this is all real. You're not here with us.

It was a bittersweet moment for me, donating your milk. Kimberly was SO happy to see that I even had colostrum which is even better for the babies than the milk. She said I'm saving so many babies lives. That made me cry. I guess I was crying because I was happy she was SO appreciative and then I was crying because she told me I was saving so many other babies lives...then I thought 'but I couldn't save my own'. It makes me sad knowing I couldn't have done anything more to save you. I'm your Mommy and I thought us mommies were always supposed to be able to save our children. Not this time though. Your milk was the last thing I had to give to you and it makes me sad that there's no more sitting in my freezer. It's all gone off to save other lives. I'm trying to think of only the good things. YOU are saving those babies Leila. YOU got my body to produce all that milk and YOU left it up to me to give it to babies who needed it. You did this for them and I did it for you. This was the last thing I could think of that I could do for you baby girl. You really went out with a bang! Kimberly will always remember the great things you did in your short time here on earth and I'm SO proud of you.

Daddy told me today that he crushed his goal at work today. He told me he was so motivated when he left the house this morning. He was thinking about you, me and our family and he didn't want to let you down. He said "your daddy aint a quitter!" lol He's also SO proud to be your daddy. I love that he loves you so much. If you were here I'm sure you'd be a mommy AND a daddy's girl :) I told daddy before you arrived that he was going to be wrapped around your finger. He is :) and mommy's always right!

Mommy just found out you're going to have a little cousin soon. Not sure who it is exactly but all I heard was that your Auntie Tina is going to be a great great grandma. Mommy wants you to watch over your cousin and get him or her here safe and healthy, OK honey? Thank you baby! I know you'll do everything in your power to watch over your little cousin.

I love you mamas and I'm SO proud to be your Mommy.