Heartache

Leila,

My heart aches for you today. As I looked through your adorable little outfits your Tutu got you, I wished I could dress you in one today. They are so tiny but would have fit you perfectly. Your due date is approaching (July 13th) and Daddy & I want to do something special on that day that we hope you'll like. You know what it is so I won't say it, but I hope you don't think think we're taking away your spotlight. You will always be a part of everything we do and we love any opportunity to share you with the world. Your Tutu and I were thinking today just how big you would have been. If you're anything like your Mommy or Daddy you would probably be SUCH a big girl by now with how much you would have eaten ;). Your Great GREAT Tutu would call you "porky", but I just like to say healthy. :D

Mommy has been trying to "cope" without you here, but it's been SO hard recently. I pray that you give your Mama some strength today. We're supposed to go meet up with your Uncle Noah and cousins today for lunch. They didn't have the pleasure of meeting you while you were here, but I plan on telling them all about you. I just hope they feel comfortable like I do with talking about you. You're my baby girl and I want people to be able to share the happy memories I've had with you without feeling squeamish. I miss you SO much and just want your memory to stay alive. As long as I am here I will remind everyone what joy and love you brought to our lives. At this point I honestly can't imagine how life would be had you not been born. It's like you gave meaning to my life that I never knew could exist.

cont. We didn't end up seeing your Uncle Noah and cousins but we ended up going to OMSI (Oregon Museum of Science and Industry) **sigh** It was hard seeing the pregnancy exhibit. I saw a baby that was your gestational age and it immediately took me back to memories of you. I couldn't help but cry as I read all of the descriptions of each week and what organs should be developing by now. You were supposed to be in my tummy still growing. :( But I know that you're not now and I have to deal with it. But it made me REALLY sad to see what should have been.

Your Daddy was having a rough day today too. I know he misses you SO much...which reminds me...Father's Day is coming up and I'm thinking about what I should get Daddy. I thought since I have my necklace and bracelet in memory of you, then maybe I should get him a dog tag with your footprints on them. I just think it would be nice if he could show everyone your perfect feet so they know that you are his baby and he really is a Daddy. I know most people don't consider him one since you're not here, but we all know better than that.

We really miss you babygirl. I hope you come visit me in my dreams soon.

Mommy loves you.