Sometimes I feel like I'm mourning alone and then I go on BBC and see that there are so many other women like me (unfortunately). I wish we never knew this pain but it seems like more women everyday are joining our group and I feel so bad that it's growing. :( I do believe that we will be able to get through this together though. I was just thinking what would I do if there was no BBC? I would go crazy! I know that much. I don't know if I've already said this (I probably have) but the ladies on BBC have been my saving grace! I really don't know where I'd be right now without them. I go to grief counseling but it's only once a month. In between meetings I had nothing helping me until I joined the loss group and I just can't say enough good things about it. Thank you ladies! Our angel babies are watching over us!
DAMNIT...Sorry, in the middle of writing this I just got SO angry. STUPID FACEBOOK allowing me to stalk people ends up pissing me off in the end! lol One of my "friends" said she was coming to visit me in the hospital (for the first time)..the day my daughter died. (Thanks for thinking of me after your partying all weekend but my daughter died and I'm on my way to bury her) She cried and told me she was SO sorry she wasn't there for me (Yea Yea OK now leave me alone). Then she heard about my March for Babies walk and wanted to be there to support me. She said she was scheduled to work but she would call in sick and be there for me. She said, "I PROMISE". I agreed and was happy to know that she was finally going to step it up as my "best" friend. March for Babies comes and I'm there meeting up with a friend who I haven't talked to in a LONG time. (My fault) But she showed up to show me support. (WOW, that is a REAL friend! I haven't talked to you in SO long and you are still there for me?...now THAT'S loyalty!) Anyways my "friend" does NOT show up, doesn't call, doesn't text, email, and anything else you can think of. WHAT A FRIEND! Well now I'm on facebook and I see her talking and "LOL" to her friends and talking about the club they went to last weekend. WOW and AAAALL of my posts about my daughter show up on her news feed and still I get NO response from her. Sometimes I just get SO worked up when I shouldn't. I shouldn't even be wasting my time on this girl that calls me a friend...FRIEND MY ASS. She isn't worth my time and I WISH I could say it doesn't bother me but it obviously does. I can't believe her!
On another note, while I was on facebook my co-worker/friend messaged me and said he was so sorry about my daughter. I explained to him how I felt when he asked. He told me that him and another co-worker/friend of mine were going to come see me and Leila in the hospital but they were too much of cowards to face me. They didn't want to see me cry. Now I HAVE To respect someone who can admit this (Thank you! Finally!). I can appreciate honesty and sincerity. I am happy that he told me this. At least I know that people are thinking of me and if they don't know what to say or don't want to see me cry then just tell me that! I know it's hard for you but JEEZ how do you think I feel now that my daughter's gone? So anyways, thank you Rahul that was thoughtful of you to admit and greatly appreciated.
When I go back to work I plan on taking a picture of my daughter to sit on my desk. That way EVERYONE will remember she is my daughter...and don't you ever forget that honey!!
Leila,
Mommy's trying not to cry today but it's hard. I'm trying to have the same strength you showed me in the NICU, but it came so naturally for you. I have to learn to be as strong as you and I hope that you'll teach me while I put together the pieces of my heart again. You were on my mind ALL day...well you're still on my mind. I just pictured me holding you for the first time and how happy I was :) I have that picture of you, me and Daddy up on my facebook and a friend told me how happy and proud we look. Well we are! We're SO proud to be your mommy and daddy. No words could describe the love I have for you baby girl. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and I will tell EVERYONE about you. How perfect you were when you were born, you were the cutest little baby if I ever saw one! You had SO much hair, I wonder how much you would have had if you went full term! I know your hair would end up being curly like Daddy's...
Yesterday I heard your name being called and I couldn't help but look. You weren't there though, it was another mommy and daddy talking about their daughter Leila...but MY Leila is an angel in heaven. Your Tutu told me I was meant to hear your name. It was a sign to remind me that you're all around me, all around us...all the time. I believe her.
I love you sweetie!
Mommy misses you <3
2 comments:
I also thank BBC for my life. If it was not for those women who lifted me up when i was down i dont know where i would be. I have told you before and I will tell again...YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME...if you read my blog from the beginning, in the weeks that line up to yours it is almost exactly how I was. Angry at those who should have stepped up, surprised of those that did!! WHen this happens all we get is a memory box, no instructions or directions on what to do or where we will go. The only thing that we have is the wisdom of those who have been there before us, and the courage to know it will be better....I dont know how long sweetie, i wish i did..today I did not cry, yet i still am sad all day and still layed in bed all day...I dont know if i am improving or what but this is where i am at now....Keep those friends that are there for you and DELETE those others from FB, when they get the balls to message you on why there are deleted you can let them have it....WHY should you continue to be uncomfortable?? Thinking of you sososo much today...and crying is healing..the more you hold it in the longer the grief will take on you....liquid love...just keep remembering the only affection you can show her right now while you are hurting is tears....xoooxoxoxo
Wow, sorry that your "friend" isnt there for you. I'd say forget her and move on. That was nice of Rahul though to be so honest, it is nice to just hear the truth sometimes. I agree with your Tutu, I believe we hear and see the things that our babies want us to remind us that they are near. I love my God ordained signs! *HUGS*
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