I just got home from a day of shopping with the family...shopping is supposed to be fun. It used to be at least. Now it seems like everything is a trigger for me. We were in Kohls and the baby clothes were just calling my name. I knew it wouldn't be good but I had to go and look at what could have been. I don't know why I did. I just looked around and felt like shit even more. I wanted to sit down in the middle of that section and cry. I didn't care if anyone saw me I just wanted to do it. But I didn't. I went over to my mom and she looked at me and immediately knew something was wrong. She asked me, "what's wrong?" Then the flood came. The flood of tears. I told her I was having a bad day and she gave me a hug and told me she thought I was having a good day. She doesn't know that every day is a bad day for me now. I have to fake a smile and fake being happy when I'm around my family. I don't want to always look depressed and cry in front of them. I don't want to take the attention away from the kids (my brother and sisters). I already did that once when Leila and I were in the hospital. They came to the hospital every single day. The kids were starting to feel like they got no time with their parents. That's how it was and I felt terrible. They cried because my mom would spend nights with me in the hospital. If I show my real feelings in front of my mom I'll be taking away all the attention from the kids again. I don't want to do that.
I feel like I need to get out and do something but I don't want to go out with friends and act like I'm having a good time when I know I'm not. I just want to spend time with someone who understands what I'm going through. Someone who can cry with me and tell me they know how I feel. But I just feel alone. I don't want to go back to work, but I'm tired of staying home and feeling like an outcast. I'm tired of complaining all the time too...jeez. I feel like I complain too much. God, what else can I talk about?...I feel like I have nothing else to talk about but how shitty I feel each day. When will this end?
Leila,
Mommy is missing you ALOT today...but that's nothing new! I wish you were out with us today shopping. I saw so many cute things I would have bought for you. I saw the little elephant with the blanket attached to it that you have. Well it's in our apartment somewhere. I'll find it and bring it to your grave to keep you cozy. Hopefully it will give you comfort like your blankie gives me comfort at night. I don't sleep without it. Daddy smiles every times he sees me getting your blanket ready to sleep in bed with me. I wish you were wrapped up in that blankie like you were when I took you home that night. I kept you close to me and thought maybe a miracle would happen and you'd wake me up in the middle of the night with your crying. But you weren't even breathing.
I'm sorry honey...it seems like Mommy's being so negative right now but I don't mean to be. I just miss you SO much. I hope you're having fun up there but I also hope you'll pay your Mommy a visit soon. I miss you sweetie and I love you.
Love,
Mommy
2 comments:
xoxo
If there is anyone who know what you feel its me too...I tell my therapist I feel like a broken record. I tell her that I dont even know why i still come here cause i say the same things over and over...and you know what she told me? GOOD, it means that you are embracing your grief and not trying to hide it away. people who hide their pain and suffering take longer to heal because they begin to resent not being able to have grieved "properly"....properly is how YOU want to do it...if you want to cry with your mom dont feel guilty for the kids, they have to also be suffering too. but remember YOU are still her kid. You are suffering, you may not be physically sick but mentally you are and that requires nurturing. You should not allow people that are close to you to "think" you are having a good day when you arent. Dont feel guilty for still feeling sad...YOU are feeling what any good mother would feel. It takes time, trust me. I have only started this week with trying to leave the house and do things and its 11 weeks later. it needs to be done when YOU are ready. Dealing with triggers is also a way of healing too. You are probably saying wtf am i talking about, but if you read my post today you will learn something. When i first seen alyssa's photo I cried like a baby...and now seeing the photo makes me smile, i NEED that photo of her to feel good. I suggested to my own self, that maybe seeing triggers more often would get me "used" to them and so I have made some milestones this week. But I am only human and today I am back in bed, I cant expect miracles to happen. This all takes time as we have learned. Be gentle with yourself....trust me, if we lived closer I would come and cry with you...but for now we have to ((hug)) through a damn computer...xoxoxo
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