I WANT HER BACK!

I just want my daughter back. :'( I'm tired of seeing things on TV about babies and pregnancies. I'm tired of seeing pregnant women anytime I go outside the house. I can't lie, it hurt me to hear that my cousin is having a baby today. He's 18 and his girlfriend is pregnant. Although I wish them a healthy baby I just wished that for myself as well and I can't help but feel like shit because I'm the only person I know who doesn't have that after being pregnant. I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. I knew I was meant to be a mommy ever since my mom had my little sister when I was 10. I knew I wanted a big family. I loved Leila before she was even conceived. I loved her when I found out she was growing inside of me. No one was happy with it but I was ecstatic. I knew I would be the best mommy I could be. I was willing to give up anything for her. I would have given my life for her. I just want her back! Am I asking too much? :( I knew today would be hard when I woke but I'm not sure why...it's just one of those days. I want to ball up in a small corner and cry myself to sleep. I don't want to wake up.

Leila,

When mommy woke up today I knew it would be a hard day for me. Mother's day is coming up and it makes me SO sad that you aren't here. I miss you SO much honey. I went to the park today with your Tutu, Grampie and Aunts and Uncle. I was swinging on the swings alone and I looked up at the clouds wondering if you were up there. Do you sit on the clouds and watch me from above? I watched the birds play in the grass and I wondered if that's what you did up in the clouds with all your angel baby friends. I hope you're having fun up there. I don't want you to worry about me but I have to admit I worry about you. I know that you were able to go to a place where we wait our whole lives to be. You were actually the lucky one, but it's just hard for me to accept it. I guess I'm being selfish to want you here with me so bad, but I just can't help it. I want you to sleep next to me at night. I would wake up 23094705294 times to feed you, change your diapers, hold you, sing to you, and anything else you'd need or want. I wouldn't complain about anything. All I want is for you to be with me again. :( I'm sorry mommy couldn't do anything to keep you here. I wish I could have kept you in my belly longer but I guess you just couldn't wait to see the world before you left. Your world was the NICU but you got to meet so many people who loved you while you were in there. We all miss you SO much. I hope that you come to me in my dreams my angel.

Honi Honi
Love Mommy