Last night I had a dream. I had a dream Mustafa and I had moved into a new apt. with Leila. She was a much bigger girl at this time, probably around 2 years old. We were getting ready for bed and I was turning off all lights and asked her if she wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy or in her own room. She said she wanted to sleep with mommy and daddy. So I took her to the room where Mustafa was already sleeping and I put her in the middle of us and kissed her goodnight. She told me "I love you mama." I remember thinking in the dream that this was the first time she said I love you to me and that I was going to write that date down in my journal. It was the best feeling in the world. I remember telling her back "I love you mamas". She said in her cute little voice "I'm not mama." I laughed. I remember feeling like finally our family was complete. I wish I had never woken up. As soon as we fell asleep in my dream, I woke up in real life.
I hope that was really her coming to me in my dreams to tell me that she loved me. I kept asking her to before she left us and even after...I think she finally did. I also wished that she'd be laying next to me and she was. :D She made my day today! Although now it will be a bittersweet day for me. I'm SO happy I heard "I love you mama" from her, but now I'll be sad that I won't be able to hear it while I'm awake. Why is nothing ever good enough for me? I just want to be happy that I got to see her.
Leila,
Today you made my day. I finally got to see you in my dreams. You told me "I love you mama" for the first time and it was the BEST feeling in the world. I love you with all my heart and wish that you could physically be here with us, but I know there are bigger plans for you. I hope you're able to come to me more often now, but if not, I will still cherish this forever. Today is supposed to be a sunny day today so I hope that I get out and get some sun. Maybe I'll see a butterfly or two? I miss you my baby.
My love for you is infinite.
Honi Honi
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