BAD DAY

Another bad day today, not because of Leila (but of course I miss her) but because of the way people react to her being gone, which is NOTHING...NO reaction...as far as I can see anyways. Barely anyone has said ANYTHING in response to my postings on facebook about her. Most of my family didn't even say anything to me when I posted that she had passed away. When I posted our March for Babies team page on my family's pages NOT ONE PERSON IN MY FAMILY donated to my team!!! Are you kidding me? NOT ONE PERSON?! All of the money donated was from my friends and co-workers. The thing that gets me is that my uncle who plays in the NFL is RICH and he donated not $1. He gives SO much money to his church but doesn't even help his own family out. That's the spirit...No one ever asks him for money NOR expects him to just give out money to us since he has it, BUT we DO expect him to be involved with his family, considering how he claims to be so family oriented. He didn't even show up to his own grandma's funeral who he claims to be so close to and named his daughter after...ugh OK I'm going off on a tangent here.

...but WOW, I guess sometimes water is thicker than blood. I am SO upset by this!!!! It keeps getting to me every time I post something regarding Leila, which is usually always and still I get nothin'. I guess I shouldn't expect anything from anyone, but I can't help but to. The people who are supposedly close to me hasn't even said anything to me. If it was me who had a cousin, niece, or close friend that lost a baby I would definitely put the awkwardness aside and at least say SOMETHING to them. Anything..."I'm sorry" how hard is that??. I don't get it and I'm tired of people telling me to not be upset by it because they don't mean to hurt my feelings and they just aren't sure what to say. Well if it was YOU who lost your baby you would feel the same way, no doubt. And don't tell me how to feel, thank you very much!

OH and another thing...my boyfriend's friends? WOW they don't waste any time. They want him to go out and party with them...UMMM didn't you get the memo? OUR DAUGHTER JUST DIED! W.T.F....When they post things on his facebook about going out I just want to comment on it and say "are you fucking stupid?" (Excuse my language) UGH I just want to scream at everyone today!

I'm sorry. I think I'll stop now :/

Leila,

Mommy miss you SO much baby. I went to Target today and seen TONS of babies and couldn't help but wonder how you would have grown up if you were still here with us. Would you look like mommy or daddy more? You looked JUST like daddy when you were born. You had his nose, his feet...oh man you got Daddy's hobbit feet lol but they were SO cute on you! Your middle toe was the longest just like daddy's, and you know what they say...women with a longer middle toe are REALLY strong women. And you were SO strong baby girl. You fought to be with us for 18 whole days! I think you waited a while before you went to be with God. You waited until the nurses let Mommy hold you. :) I got to hold you for the very first time two days before you passed and it was the BEST day of my life. I cried. Tears of joy. You were SO tiny when I laid you on my chest, your feet still only reached mommy's milk supply (*whispers* boobs). If you were older you'd probably be disgusted by me saying the word boob lol. I wonder if you would you have been a mama's girl like I would have LOVED for you to be? :) I'm going to miss all of the times we would have had together shopping for school clothes, opening presents on christmas morning, prom, boyfriends, marriage, kids for you and grandkids for me...I'm going to miss all of these things, but I hope when I get to see you again we'll be able to do all of the things we were supposed to do together before you had to go. I wonder if you'll remember me when I get to heaven :/ I hope you remember mommy's voice and the way I look. Remember you would always open your eyes when mommy came to see you? Nurse Kristin said you never opened them for her, so I guess that means you ARE a mama's girl! :D Well I hope when you opened your eyes that last time it means you were taking a mental picture of mommy and daddy, so that when we get there you can find us. Don't worry though baby girl, If you can't find me I'll find you!...Mommy still hopes you visit her in her dreams some time. I just want to know that you're OK mamas. I love you and tell Tutu that I miss her.

Honi Honi (kisses)