I can't even believe I'm crying over this right now but OMG...seriously? I can't STAND people's rude comments...I know they probably didn't mean anything by it but people should just think before they speak. The same thing that happened to Tami happened to me. I'm looking on facebook and my cousin is pregnant. She said she was having a boy and prays that the pregnancy goes well and her baby is healthy. Then my other cousin comments on it and says "I'm happy for you guys, it's always nice for me to hear good things happening to good people"....what does that make me? Am I a bad person because bad things happen to me? My daughter died and that makes ME a bad person? Did I not do everything in my power to try and save her? I never smoked or drank alcohol during my pregnancy. I tried to eat healthy and get some exercise but because my daughter died you're telling me that I must have done something wrong?
UGH I hate taking everything so personal, but this is the new me. The one who's daughter died and now there's only bitterness. I feel like the whole world is insensitive now. No one thinks about my feelings before they say these things. That makes me selfish doesn't it? Feeling like everyone should be thinking about my feelings before anyone else's? Well, I can't help it. :( Now I have so much hate in me I feel like emailing everyone and giving them a piece of my mind. Nothing goes on up there but thoughts of my daughter and how insensitive people are regarding her death. I know it wouldn't be constructive to send out these emails, but I feel like it's all building up and one day I'm just going to snap at someone because I didn't tell them before it got to this point.
Today is Leila's 2 month birthday and I've posted this on my facebook...
"Today Leila you would have been 2 months old. I miss you more & more each day and wonder what you'd be doing at this age. Today also makes it 1 month 1 week 6 days since you grew your angel wings. I'd like to think I did everything in my power to save you but I wish I could've taken your sickness away and brought you home with me. Instead you're with God now. I miss you & love you my baby!
Happy 2 month Birthday"
Now I guarantee that not one person in my family will comment on this besides my mom. Only friends will (maybe) and other babylost mamas. I hate that! WHY THE HELL won't people acknowledge it?! UGH I just feel like deleting facebook all together so I won't even have to get offended when no one says anything. But then I would have NOTHING to do. I don't go to work and I don't take classes anymore because of what happened. All I do is sit in my apt. or my mom's place on my computer. I think maybe I'll go to Barnes & Noble today to read books. Maybe I'll read books on how to grieve after your baby has died. Maybe that will help, I don't know.
Anyways...
Dear Leila,
*sigh* I miss you every second of every day...that's nothing new but I just thought I'd keep reminding you so you don't forget. Today means you would have been 2 months old. I can't even imagine what we'd be doing right now. I wonder how much bigger you would have gotten by now. I'm sure you'd be a really big girl despite how you started off..."petite" :) ...According to BBC you should be about 3.75 pounds now. WOW! I can't imagine holding a big 'ol baby like that! ;) I can only imagine holding my petite baby girl. I miss holding you. I just want to kiss your cheeks so bad. That's all I've wanted to do since you were born, but we didn't want you to be too stressed out from all the touching. I bet you'd be in my arms more often though. I would've held you every second of every day. I would've read stories to you and sang to you (even though our mama doesn't have a good voice). I still would've done it though.
I just want you to know how much you are loved and missed. I feel like I can't say it enough. But I hope you know that and remember that your Mommy's always here for you, no matter what. You can come see me in my dreams whenever you want, I'm always open to a visit from my favorite little girl in the whole wide world. I love you my baby!
Love always,
Mommy
7 comments:
Sweetie,
I am so very sorry that you had to see that same dreaded "good things happen to good people" remark!!! You know I take everything personally too... like every comment is a personal attack on me. The only people that ever comment on my Corinne status updates are my angel mommy friends. I honestly don't know what I would do without all of you! Your post sounds so familiar... I am always on my computer (I'm surprised it hasn't overloaded lol) and almost never leave the house (except when Bill forces me). I am always here for you as Corinne is always there for Leila!
xoxoxo
I know what you mean about hating facebook right now. Literally 5 minutes after posting to let everyone know Stevie had died, a "friend" of mine made his status, "we're having a little girl!" It was like can't you wait to post that, seeing that I just LOST my little girl. It hurt more because we've known each other literally our whole lives and he hasn't even acknowledged our loss. Oh and when I changed my profile picture to a photo og Stevie, I got a message from some girl I haven't seen since high school telling me it was in "poor taste" to put up that picture. I would delete my account altogether but overall I've received a lot of support and encouraging messages and I don't want to lose that over a couple of insensitive people.
Ugh, I just hate this new reality of mine :(
@ Tami- I feel the same way, I really don't know what I'd do without you guys. No one understands me like you do and I'm SO grateful for you all. I'm dreading Monday when I go back to work. I hope my co-workers take it easy on me :( I work with the admissions office at my university so I guarantee I will be getting overwhelmed by all of the impatient students wanting admission to our school. I just hope I don't take out my frustrations on them lol Thank you for telling me that you're always here for me and I know Corinne and Leila are having a great time up there playing together! xoxo
@Kristin- I cannot believe someone would tell you that you're picture of Stevie was in poor taste..WOW! how the hell can someone be so rude?! She's your daughter...what is that lady thinking?
Ugh and I would totally hate if my "friend" posted about their new baby too (especially if it's a little girl and we lost ours) :( I know we can't expect people to stop living life because our world has stopped but jeez you'd think people would have some sensitivity to what we're going through. I also hate my new reality :( but the fact that we're not alone is comforting. But about the friends that are pregnant and have babies, I had to delete them :( I just couldn't stand reading their posts about their babies. I don't wish anything bad upon them or their babies, I just wish mine was here ya kno?
Anyways I'm sorry about these insensitive people you guys.
Oh sweetie, well, first of all, Happy 2 months to your sweet Leila! And facebook is terrible. I love it and I hate it. It mostly brings pain and every single update from my SIL who just had her baby seems to be directed towards me. I take whatever she says personally, even if she didn't mean for it to be towards me. You just can't help it after experiencing this loss, so I think it's natural. I hide a lof of my friends who have babies or are pregnant. Best feature ever on Facebook! :) And it does help, you don't have to delete them, you just never see their updates. You're not a bad person. People just don't know. (((HUGS)))
Happy two months to Leila!! Facebook can be a hard one. I took a step back from it for a while after losing my babies. Now I just try not to let others comments bother me, but it is easier said than done. Although you may not have the support from your family that you want, just know that we here support you! Lots of LOVE to you! xx
Thank you Maggie and Jill! You're right, it is easier said than done but I will try to not to let them get to me as much. Hey Maggie, how do you hide your friends? I heard about it but didn't know how to do it so I just deleted them instead.
I did write a comment but it deleted...so here I go again..
Im so sorry some stupid a**homle has made you think that YOU are a bad person...unfortunately the more moms I meet I feel the opposite bad things happen to GOOD people...you are an amazing mom and you continue to remember Leila in a way that is inspiring..what you did with "Oprah" is amazing...even if nothing happens with it...YOU made us all write this letter, you MADE us all feel like our words were heard at one point..YOU did this and im so proud of you everyday...2months is hard..I remember 2 months as if it was yesterday..im approaching 3 months tomorrow and i cant believe where this time is going and im still stuck here crying for her and wishing she was here and with me....life sucks...but we have to do this for THEM...we now live for the babies, they see the world through our eyes now xoxoxo
Post a Comment