"Happy" Babylost Mother's Day

Today is a bittersweet day for me. I'm happy there's a day dedicated to us Angels Mamas out there, but I'm not happy this has to be my "Happy" day. I should be wished a Happy Mother's Day this year on May 9th like every other mother with a baby...but no, I'm stuck with this one, because I don't have a living baby. Well thanks for that reminder everyone.

It's been 3 weeks and 2 days since Leila left me. I don't like saying "she left me" like she just abandoned me and left me here to die, but I'm not sure how else to say it. It feels like just yesterday and forever ago all at the same time that she was here with me. I miss her more than words can express right now. I find myself sulking on the couch everyday trying not to show my family my true feelings...sadness and emptiness. I feel so alone, like I'm a separate being from my family now. I'm the grand/daughter, sister, niece, cousin... who "lost her baby". No one labels me as that but that's how I feel about myself. There's no way I can go outside now and look at any child or pregnant woman and not think of Leila. They're everywhere and it makes me sad to see them so happy. Not that I wish anything bad on any of them...I would NEVER wish this feeling on anyone. It's unfortunate but I can't truly say that I'm happy for any of them. I wish I could be, but I can't. I thank God everyday for the time I was given with my daughter. I just wish things would've ended differently. Despite them ending too soon, they were 18 0f the most amazing days of my life. The days I was a mother, an actual mother that got to care for her baby. Although I never got to take her home with me, the time I spent in the NICU with her were the best and worst days of my life, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Nothing can replace the memories I have with her; changing her diapers, holding her for the first time, giving her a sponge bath that one and only time, taking her temperature, wrapping her up nice and cozy so she felt comfortable...they were all of my best memories. Those memories are kept in a special place to be taken out when I need comfort and time away from this dark place I'm in.

People keep telling my mom and me how strong I am and how happy they are that I'm doing good. Well they don't know the pain I feel inside, no one knows. They only sympathize at the thought of losing a baby but no one can truly feel what I feel...unless you've lost a baby. If you have, then my heart aches for you. It truly does...and I wish I could take your pain away. They say time heals this pain...but until then I want my baby back. :(

Mommy misses you Leila!