Where did the time go? I feel like I grew up and died all at the same time. I finally finished Leila's story and posted it...I hate the ending. It should have been different but I know I can't change it because that's really what happened. I can't bring her back and change the ending to our story but I wish I could. It's only 10 pages and I've missed SO many details but I just got tired of writing it. I wanted to be done and move on. Not really move on and forget about it but I just don't want to write every single thing out. I feel like my heart literally hurts from writing it. I have this huge lump in my throat that won't go away now. It's that feeling you get when you're ready to cry. I don't even think I want to go back and proofread it because I don't want to cry again. I'm tired of this feeling of helplessness. I feel like all hope is gone and the world is coming to an end. That whole "theory" about 2012 and the world really coming to an end...I hope it happens. I'm ready to go already. I feel like if I knew I was going to die tomorrow I wouldn't care. No matter how it happens, I'm not scared of dying. If there's pain, I don't care. No pain could be worse then the pain I feel from losing my daughter. This pain doesn't go away and it hasn't gotten easier.
Ever since moving into this new apartment I feel so damn guilty that I threw away the pregnancy test. I threw away the test I took when I found out I was pregnant with Leila. I don't know why I threw it away. The screen didn't say pregnant anymore so I thought there was no point in saving it. Stupid me, now I want it back. I can't believe I even threw it away. That was a memory of my baby and I tossed it like it was nothing. :( I want to go in the trash and find it but I know it's long gone by now. UGH...
I miss my daughter SO much. I hate that I have to lay in bed every night with the blanket she was wrapped in, just to make me feel like she's still with me. I want her to be in my arms again.
....in the middle of writing this an old friend/co-worker found me on Facebook. Last time I seen her was at our old job. She had just had a baby and I was in love with him. I've always loved babies so naturally I was excited for her. She brought her baby Dominic to work and he was so adorable I had to hold him. I still have the picture of me holding him that Dominic's daddy took (that's the picture I put up on this post). Anyways she had seen my post on Facebook about Leila and told me that she knows exactly how I feel. I thought, how could you possibly know how I feel you have your baby with you. Then I read on and she said "I lost my son May 30, 2009 when he was 7 and 1/2 months old." My heart dropped. I had NO idea but my heart breaks with hers. I have NO idea what happened to her son but she definitely found me for a reason. I need someone to meet with and talk to who knows what I'm going through and she is that person. She gave me her number and told me that we should meet up to talk and that she thinks it would be good for both of us.
WOW, God works in mysterious ways. I plan on meeting up with her and I hope we can both be each other's shoulder to lean on. Dominic's angel date is coming up soon so maybe I should meet up with her sooner than later and we can do something for her angel on that day.
Dear Leila,
I just found out that a friend of mine also has an angel baby. His name is Dominic. He's been there for almost a year now so maybe you two can meet up and he can show you around up there. Then again maybe you're already running things up there like you were down here. Always on your own time and doing whatever you want. :P Although I didn't want you to leave so soon I know that you're in a better place flying free like a beautiful butterfly.
"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."-author unknown
This quote caught my attention because it reminded me of you and how everything changes in life even though we don't want it to. But like the quote implies, we wouldn't have the beauty of the butterfly if the caterpillar it was before didn't change. You were my little caterpillar and when you grew your wings you turned into a butterfly. :)
I love and miss you my little butterfly
Love,
Mommy
2 comments:
I LOVE THE QUOTE N MAY STEAL IT!!!
I am so happy you can connect in person with an Angel mom. it is so important to have that person there with you and at one point you wont always have to talk about the babies but you know when you are going through something SHE will know...if you go back to my blog from the beginning you will see i said the same stuff about dying. i used to be afraid of anthony pulling the plug on me if i needed it and now i tell him to let it go and let me be with her again...2012 is also in the back of my mind as i say maybe God didnt want her to suffer that fate we all will meet...its a part of grieving for us to want to be wth them.it makes sense because what mother doesnt want to be with their baby...the only answer is a BAD mother and that is how you know you are a good one!!! An angel mommy saw my story on a friend of mine who copy and pasted the FB story on her page for us and she reached out and shared her story..WE DONT KNOW EACH OTHER AND WE NEVER WILL...she lives in chicago but because of our similar losses we connected right away..now i feel like i know her forever...i only wrote a few messages today back and forth for the first time...WE DID IT KALI, we were loud and we were heard yesterday...people reached out because they didnt want to be silenced either...she lost her first and only daughter 12 years ago and was told she can never have children...2 years to the day (give or take) and she was surprised to know she was expecting her rainbow she now has 2 more children!!! xoxo....we have to continue this legacy for the babies...they will never be forgotten as long as we keep telling their story....one day you can go back into her story and add details.."baby steps" with this...
Ann I also thought of you when I found that quote, I planned on posting it to your blog but you've seen it so steal it already :)
Thank you for telling me I'm a good mother :) that makes me feel good. I hope Leila feels the same way.
I know what you mean about having that connection with someone you've never never even met. It's crazy how these tragedies can bring us all together. I hate this quote but "it happened for a reason" bleh even typing it out pissed me off, but I think that our angels brought us all together and that is the reason. I like hearing about people accomplishing things against all odds. Like they told her she wouldn't have more children and she had one and even more! Crazy and I love it. I hope that will be me someday.
I will definitely continue to tell Leila's story and even the stories of other angel mamas and their babies so that everyone will remember.
I will definitely try to go back later and add some details. You're right, I will have to take baby steps.
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