My little butterfly

Leila,

Mommy just wants to focus on the positive today. I was thinking about our time in the NICU and despite the anxiety & fear we possessed, we also had SO much love. You were surrounded by so many family members that loved you very much. Even though you weren't able to meet your aunts & uncles, they were definitely there. They asked about you all the time and really couldn't wait to see you. They couldn't see you because of the age requirement to be in the NICU, but they stayed in the lobby and played with your Grampie while we stayed by your bedside. They always asked if they could see you and when we'd tell them they weren't able to they would ask when they would be able to see you. You were so loved by many. Your daddy's uncle and aunt came to see you. Your Uncle Waled said he doesn't do very well with these kinds of things. I don't know what he meant by these kind of things but he ended up getting over his fear and coming to visit you. He was amazed by your petite little figure and how strong you were. Uncle Waled's wife Auntie Jaime thought you were SO precious. She also was amazed by your strength. You seemed to have that affect on everyone! That's my girl! ;) Your uncle Haythem came to see you as well and said you were beautiful. That Uncle of yours cracks me up. He always has jokes but when he seen you, you took his breath away. He congratulated me and Daddy on what a good job we did. We were so proud and still are. Another day a couple of other aunts came to see you...your Auntie Pattie, Auntie Roberta, and Auntie Susie. They brought you THE cutest little strawberry outfit that was SO tiny. I LOVED it! Even though it was so tiny, I'm sure it would have been big on you. We weren't able to put you in it but I still kept it for you.

I wasn't with them when they went to see you but your Tutu was. I can just imagine how loud Auntie Susie was. lol She probably frightened you with her voice, but she's harmless. When she came back to my room she told me how gorgeous you were. She said she couldn't even believe how small you were. I can show people pictures and they think wow she is small, but until they see you in person they have no idea. You are truly our little miracle. You weren't supposed to be born for another 16 weeks, but you still fought for a while so that mommy could hold you. I'm SO happy to know that I was the reason you waited.

Easter was your first holiday and we wanted to decorate your bed but the nurses wouldn't allow it because of the risk of suffocation. We understood completely and instead decided to bring you an easter basket to sit on the counter by your bed. In the basket was an easter bunny and two cards. One from Mommy & Daddy and the other from your Tutu & Grampie. They're like your second parents. They came to see you just as much as I did. Your Tutu and I would spend a lot of time in the NICU laughing around your bed. We're so glad you got to be around our positive energy filled with smiles and laughter. We had really good times with you and you were already considered one of the girls. After you passed we talked about how lucky we were that you got to be a part of that while you were still here. We would have loved to have girl time with all of us including your aunties but realized that we did have that. It was just the 3 of us; three generations of strong women and you were the strongest.

Mommy wishes now we would have gotten our pictures taken by Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. At the time I just wanted to remember you as the beautiful and strong little girl that you were while you still had your spirit; now I realize that even after your spirit left your body our love didn't. Whether we had taken pictures of us while you were still here or after you were gone, you still would be able to see the love we have for you in our eyes. I wish we have more pictures to show that. But now I cherish the pictures I do have even more. Your picture is the background on my phone and I always look at it. I rub the screen as if I were rubbing your little hand. I miss that feeling so much I try and remember it as I look at your pictures. I want to always remember what it feels like to hold your hand.

I remember that time Daddy was in a hurry to do something (I can't remember what for...probably to get some food lol) and I said that we would leave as soon as you let my hand go. You were holding on so tight that I never wanted you to let my hand go. It was so adorable and I was smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. Auntie Marni was there laughing at the fact that you wouldn't let go for a really long time. You really wanted your Mommy there didn't you? :D

Your Auntie Marni came to visit from Texas after you were born. She realized how much we needed family at that time that she took the next flight out. She saw you and was SO surprised at how GREAT you looked. She thought since you were born so early that you would be "lifeless", but you were anything but. You were probably the most active baby in that whole NICU. The nurses were so surprised by how much you moved around and opened your eyes. Speaking of...

you were born at 23 weeks 6 days gestation so everyone thought your eyes would be fused together for a while; but they were wide open the minute you were born! They were SO surprised and I was so happy. It's like you couldn't wait to do anything...you had to show all the other micro-preemie babies up. YOU were hitting milestones before you were even born! You just amaze me every day!

I will continue to remember the GREAT times we had together and post them as time goes along. These moments are just too special to forget.

P.S. This morning Leila, your Daddy and I were in bed and he was looking into my eyes. It just reminded me so much of you. I told him "you look like Leila right now." It was something he was doing with his eyes. You looked SO much like your Daddy it was ridiculous. He told me now that I've said that he just keeps thinking about you and wanted me to tell you that he misses you.

I love and miss you my little butterfly!

Love,

Mommy