Mental Breakdown

My mind is moving at 100 miles an hour while my fingers can only move 10, so bear with me, this one is gonna be long and I might ramble a lot. Sorry in advance.

I had my first mental breakdown since Leila died. I was starting to wonder if I was a zombie. I haven't really cried since everything happened. I mean I do cry but not like a woman who's lost her baby. Well, today was that day...

I was taking a shower when it hit me like a ton of bricks. My daughter died. She's really gone. It was just 6 weeks ago that she was in my belly kicking around like she was a kid on a sugar high. Now there's no baby in my belly and there's no baby here on earth. Well there's TONS of babies here...just not mine. Nope, mine is in heaven. Why so soon though? Why did she have to be taken away so soon? I don't understand. Did I do something wrong to deserve this?

All I could do was cry. The tears kept coming and coming and there was no stopping them. I could barely catch my breath. I have SO many thoughts racing through my head. Mother's Day is coming up, what am I going to do for Mother's day with no baby? Will people wish me a "Happy" Mother's Day? Or will they just ignore me for fear that my sadness will rub off on them?

The doctors never tell you this could be a possibility. They never tell you your body might fail you, that you might go into labor 16 weeks early and deliver a 1lb 7oz perfect baby. She was perfect, only now she's perfect in heaven. So when did things go wrong? Did something "traumatic" happen to me to put me into labor? Did I do anything differently than I normally do that might have put me in labor? No.No. Everything was the same, except my cervix was dilated to 7cm when I arrived at the hospital. Why was I contracting already? I thought this was supposed to happen much later. If I had known those tiny "cramps" were really contractions, I would have called the doctor earlier. How was I supposed to know it wasn't normal? I thought it was round ligament pain. This was my first baby so I didn't know what to expect. I surely didn't expect for my baby to die so soon.

Our children are supposed to outlive us...right? So why now am I in this situation? Not pregnant anymore and nothing to show for it. How am I supposed to prove to people that she really existed? I really am a mother and I’m just stuck in this horrible nightmare because my baby was taken from me so soon. I have nothing and I feel empty. I try and put on a happy face, but how can anyone be happy when their baby died? I don't get how anyone can go on after this. Why didn't God just take me with her? If I die in my 70s or 80s that means I have 50-60 years to wait until I can see my baby again. That just seems too long for me. What can I do to make the time go faster? I'm hoping I can stay sane while I wait. Maybe this blog will help me stay sane…I'm not sure

Maybe I'll stay sane if I can go outside without seeing one baby or pregnant woman. But how can I? They're EVERYWHERE! I went to Old Navy just the other day and there were 4 babies! I was with my aunt and as we walked out I said "UGH see everyone has a baby but me" and started crying. I hate feeling resentment towards women who know nothing of my pain. They didn't cause it; they had nothing to do with it. So why can't I just be happy for them?...I hope I'll be able to someday.

I keep having these dreams...they never have my baby in them but I always dream something that has to do with her. In my dreams people keep asking me if I'm OK. NO, I'M NOT OK! I hate this question. How do you think I feel after my baby just died? How would you feel if your baby just died? I will never understand why people ask this question. I know they mean well, but it just seems like such a stupid question to ask. Maybe if they'd ask how I'm feeling today that might be different. I have my ups and downs which can vary day to day so that seems like a reasonable question.

The day my daughter died my mom asked me that question ("Are you OK?"). After realizing what a stupid question it was she told me "you know what, from now on whenever I or anyone else asks you how you're doing, just tell them to fuck off." (Excuse my french) So every time my mom, stepdad, or boyfriend asked me how I was, I would say "fuck off". I have to admit, it did make me laugh a little. Whenever someone I didn't know asked me that question I would have to tell my mom and we'd say it together, "FUCK OFF"...not to their faces of course! I appreciate the "effort" people made because I know it's hard to really know what people need at a time like this but those words were not what I wanted to hear at that time. Actually even now I don't want to hear them. I mean it's only been 3 weeks and 3 days since I lost Leila. It's still VERY hard to deal with.

...Anyways, in my dream my boss had asked me that question and I started crying to him about how my baby just died and no I'm not OK. I also told him that I just wanted people to know that I am a mother because she is still my daughter even though she's not physically here. I can't remember what else I said in the dream but I was pretty hysterical and I just remember walking down the hallway of my building at work while we're talking and this guy is staring at me. That's how I think it'll be when I go back to work (whenever that is). All eyes on me. No one will know quite what to say or do when I'm around and that's what scares me the most. I don't want people to just ignore me and pretend nothing ever happened. I like it better when people ask questions because then it gives me a reason to tell everyone ALL about Leila. I love talking about my daughter so I just want them to acknowledge that she exists. Not in this world...but still.

Despite my grief and sadness I have met some wonderful people along the way. The ladies on my babycenter infant loss group have been my saving grace. If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to hold it together as much as I have. I am SO grateful for them and although I'd rather we hadn't met (at least under these circumstances) I have made some lifelong friends that I will cherish always.

Thank you for listening to my ranting everyone. Until next time.