Please forgive me

I was reading an article that was posted on facebook by another BLM. It was about a photographer that took pictures of babies that have passed for their families. It took me back to the morning you died. They asked (before you died actually) if I wanted to bring in NILMDTS to take pictures for us. I looked over the pamphlet and contemplated for a second. Your daddy told me it was up to me, but I made a quick decision based on what I thought other people would think of it. I didn't know I'd long to stare at your pictures. I didn't notice at the time that I didn't have a picture of me holding you where you could see your face. I've regretted this for the longest. I wish someone would have told me I'd want more of you...that I'd need more of you after you were gone. The nurse also asked if I wanted her to cut a piece of your hair off. Your daddy wanted to, but I said no. All I could think about was how I wanted you in one piece. I didn't want that nurse touching you at all. I already had to leave you in the ground alone...I didn't want to take your hair from you. Now that I think about it I know that it's just hair and that I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I took some to remember you by...but I couldn't bring myself to do it that day. Who can make decisions like that under such a stressful time? We didn't dress you in more than a diaper and a blanket...I should have put you in that little preemie giraffe outfit that I love so much. It's still hanging. Sometimes I lay it against my chest imagining you in it laying on my chest. All of these things break my heart everyday. I miss you. I wish I would have known I'd feel this way when it was happening. I hate myself for it. I just want you back in my arms. I want the chance to do things over. I hope you forgive me. Because I can't forgive myself. I love you my baby.

Love,

Mommy

Rainbow

I'm getting baby fever again. My friends are going on having their first and some even second babies now...and here I am minus one and wanting so badly to have another, but not having the means to do so. It absolutely kills me. It's so easy for other people to say "you're young, just have fun for now" or "it'll happen, you just have to be patient"...ugh! I don't want to be patient. I've been patient for almost two years now. Yes I've wanted to get pregnant as soon as possible after Leila died. I saw doctor after doctor asking questions about future pregnancies and how we would get to that point. I was ready. I am ready. It's just disappointing and heartbreaking to think I have to wait even longer. I want my rainbow already. I LOVE pregnancy and everything that comes with it. I loved the anticipation of seeing that black and white image of my baby on the screen. I loved feeling little kicks inside my belly. I loved giving in to my cravings. I loved shopping for my baby. I loved the anticipation of a natural birth and bringing that baby home. I loved thinking I'd have many sleepless nights which meant alone time to cuddle with my baby. I hate this...and I miss her.

Unreal

I'm not even sure what to write about since my issue this time is something I want to keep private...but I felt the need to write something today. I took a trip to urgent care this morning and ended up spending about 4 hours being examined and getting blood drawn, then running to the pharmacy for meds and back for more testing because this silly woman made a mistake with one of the tubes she filled with my blood. It was a pretty emotionally and physically exhausting day. My fears haven't been 100% confirmed, but I can feel it in my heart that it's exactly what I think it is. I'll find out tomorrow for sure tomorrow though. It just seems as though anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Maybe it's my negative energy that's bringing all of the bullshit my way, but it doesn't seem to get any easier with positivity either. If what I have is what I think it is, it's manageable...but should I even be in this situation? :-/ It makes me SO angry to think things could have been different. I blame myself though. My body hates me. That's what it is. That and my poor choices is what got me in this predicament. I hate myself for it...but it's too late. I can't change it now. It's done. It's just unreal to be honest. I spent the past few weeks in this dark pit because I miss Leila so much it's physically putting my mind and body through hell, but now this has been weighing heavy on my mind yesterday and today. It's just another thing to add to the list of why I hate my life. I have a feeling it will affect my future and trying to have more kids. At this point I'm probably shit outta luck. I don't know anyone that would want to be with me ever...I'm fucked up. My long list of issues would scare any potential husband away. I'm only 22 and I feel like my life is over. I know it might not be realistic, but that's how I feel. Most women I know that have lost a child/children already have husbands and/or other children. I am not comparing one grief to another, but I feel like if I had these I would at least feel like I have something to live for...but this? I feel like I have nothing. The things that were important to me don't feel so important anymore and the things I want in life aren't coming anytime soon if at all...and that part kills me. I wish I knew the secret to being happy again. People keep asking me what I think would help me feel happy again, but that's the thing...I don't know. If I knew I would have obviously done it already. I think time will just have to work it out for me. I'm just an inpatient person, so maybe the first step is trying to be more patient. What a feat for me!...we'll see how this works out.

**added in a little later** Oh I forgot to mention that the CNA that helped me after I delivered Leila (who happens to be M's friend too) messaged me the other day asking if I'd be willing to be interviewed about my suffering after Leila. I agreed. She's in nursing school and is currently taking a Suffering and Death class. I've always been open about how I grieve and I think it would be good for "D" (the CNA) to learn about how we as BLM try to cope everyday and feelings we experience after our losses. I don't know the questions she will ask me just yet, but I plan on being brutally honest. I hope she learns something from it!

1.21.12

I'm sorry I haven't written in my blog for so long. I start a post and then I never finish it. I'll try to get better about posting more frequently, 'cause Lord knows I need it.

Life without my child has a been a hell hole. I'm not going to lie. I've changed so much. It will be two years in just a few months and I still don't feel like I've gone anywhere with this. I don't cry as much as I used to and I'm able to go through stores and actually look at kids and smile...but my grief still remains the same. The difference is I've started seeing someone for it. I actually like talking to her, but so far it hasn't made a difference...will it ever though? I don't think so. I'm not really sure the point of it actually. It makes me feel better for the time being, but then a few days or weeks later...it's back. I can't shake this dark feeling I've been having lately. A couple weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrist of Leila's name and that night is when I realized I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I've been acting differently...I don't know how to explain it, but apparently my mom and cousin can see it too. I'm distant. I feel it too...I just don't want to do anything to change it I guess. I just want to be alone. The rest of my life I suppose. That's a lonely and sad life if you ask me, but I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I think I'm depressed..but I'm not sure. I'm able to function on a daily basis...I can get things done. I can even feel happy on certain days, but overall I hate my life. I feel no hope. No motivation to live. Don't get me wrong I would never kill myself, but I do think about if I were to die today...I would be happy. It sounds strange and morbid, but I'm not afraid of death that's for sure. I'd almost prefer it to this feeling of emptiness in life. I feel completely empty. I feel like life and people are pulling me in all different directions until they can't pull anymore. I feel weak and stretched to my limit. I'm tired all the time and just want to sleep my days away. I broke up with M back in July and that has taken a toll on me. I thought many times I would get back together with him, that now is just not the right time...but now I don't even want to be with him. That kills me. I feel like another person has died. Only it was our relationship and the last direct connection to Leila. Last night he and I went to the movies. He held my hand and told me he was happy we had her. Tears came down so fast I couldn't stop them. It took a lot of energy to try and keep my feelings inside but I just wanted to scream. I hate that she died. I absolutely hate it. There's this big lump in my throat that I just can't swallow anytime I hear of a new person pregnant in my circle of friends or family. I'm not happy for them. I hate myself for it. But I hate that I can't have my baby even more. I just wish I could change everything...obviously I can't change what happened, but I can change the way I feel about it right? Maybe I just don't want to. I don't know...I really don't. I don't get pleasure out of the things I used to anymore. Or maybe I find pleasure in things that I never did before and that's the problem. I'm self-destructive. Not because I want to be...I think. None of this is even making any sense. That's why it's all so frustrating to me. Nothing makes sense anymore. WHAT am I supposed to learn from all this? I just need some direction. Turning to God didn't help me. I wish it did. I thought church would help but I know that the institution of church just isn't for me. I'm not religious, just spiritual. I choose to have my own relationship with God outside of churches, priests, bibles, etc...but it hasn't changed the way I feel about my life. I just hate it. On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. It's MY life and if I make certain decisions and eventually learn that they were the wrong decisions, DON'T tell me "I told you so". That shit just pisses me off...Anyways I think that's enough complaining for one day. Here are the pictures of my tattoo and Leila's grave I visited last weekend...

I love her stone now just as much as I did the first day I seen it.

Leila,

I wish I could have held you a little longer and took more pictures than I did. I wish I would have known what I know now. It kills me everyday to think I could have had more if I would have known. I could have had more memories if I had written more about you when you were in the NICU. I could have had more pictures to look at now if we had taken more while you were in the NICU. I wish I would've had more support while you were in there. Maybe if I'd had more hope for you in there, you would have lived. I love you so much I can't stand that you're not here with me. I know I'm selfish because you're in the best place you could ever be...but I want to be there with you. I'm jealous that you're with some amazing family members up there and not with me. I'm jealous that I can't be one of those Mommies that watch their babies grow. The most amazing feeling I will never forget is holding you against my chest. I can feel your warmth now and wish you were there again. I miss you more than words could ever express. It's true, I swear. It breaks my heart each day I wake up and you're not there. I miss you SO much. I hope I see you soon. I know it won't be soon enough though.

Mommy loves you!

Christmas Eve

Sorry all for not writing for so long...life has been so crazy it's just been really hard to keep up with my blog anymore :(

Today though I felt I had to write...facebook has this new "timeline" profile where you can easily go back and look at all the past posts, comments, pictures...everything you've ever posted on facebook before. It's a gift and curse all in one. Of course I was curious to look back at my posts from when Leila was born. I thought it was a good idea at the time...but it only made me feel worse. I had so much hope for her, for us...and then on April 9, 2010 that all came crashing down. I remember not wanting to post anything about her dying that day...so I waited. Then people started asking me for an update with her and I finally had to post something on the 13th. I remember this chunk of time like it was yesterday...how I felt, what I was thinking, what people said to me. I was crushed to say the least. Looking at those posts honestly ruined the holidays...not that they were so spectacular to begin with, but Christmas is my favorite holiday. Now that Leila is gone and I have no other children, it's so hard to be really excited for the holidays. All the presents I'm buying for other people has got me thinking about how I should be buying them for my baby instead. I'm not buying clothes or toys for her this year...only things in memory or in honor of her...and I.Hate.It.

I miss her so much.

Leila,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in so long, but I think about you daily, no lie...and even more than that. I've seen you in my dreams recently and I'm so grateful for that. I wish I could see you more than that, but I know I can't be selfish. I can't believe your second birthday is coming up so fast and I'm not really sure what to do this year. Your mom has been so caught up in trying to keep busy, that I haven't even been able to sit down and just breathe for a minute. I hope to be able to get back to doing things I love...mostly crocheting...but we'll see. I know your Daddy and I aren't together anymore but we plan on coming to see you together. I hope you know we both love you SO much and think about you constantly. You are never forgotten, my baby.

Mama loves you sweetie.

Why do the good die young?

I haven't posted here in a long time but I wanted to do a quick update...hopefully quick

On May 26th my mom and I were called and told my Uncle was in the ICU. He had just undergone kidney surgery and had some heart problems during the surgery. We rushed to Washington as fast as I could where we spent three of some of the longest days of our lives. There was always someone holding my Uncle's hand at all times. On May 28th my cousin asked me if I wanted to hold my Uncle's hand. I sat next to my Uncle held his hand and rubbed it hoping he would wake up and smile at me but he was under a medically induced coma and couldn't do anything like that even if he wanted to. The nurse noticed something wasn't right and checked for a pulse, they couldn't find it. We were told to leave the room while they tried to get him back. The minutes seemed like days. We finally were called back into the room but were told that with all of the cardiac arrests he'd had the past few days, the strain on his heart was too much to handle now. As a family, we decided we had put him through too much the past few days. He went to heaven on May 28, 2011 around 7pm. That was the day after my Tutu's (his sister) 9 year angelversary. This would be the second death in my family after Leila. I can't even begin to tell you the hurt I feel after the death of my Uncle Kimo. I never thought this day would come so soon. I was JUST with my Uncle a couple weeks before...I don't understand why the good die young...

When my Tutu died my Uncle kind of took over as the "dad" and "grandmother/father" my mom and I were missing in our lives. He was with us through every important event in our lives...and even the not so important ones. He was there when Leila was born. He drove 3 hours each way just to see me and Leila. He brought dinner to the hospital for the whole family. He was there when Leila died. He was there for weeks afterwards. He was always there. My heart is still so heavy...especially for my cousins and auntie who are now missing a Daddy and Husband. He was the best Daddy anyone could ever ask for...I just can't believe he's gone...and I was the last person to hold his hand while he was still alive :(

His funeral was almost 2 weeks after. For the last two funerals I recited the Lord's Prayer in Hawaiian. This one I would do the same. It brought me all the way back to 9 years ago when I first recited it at my Tutu's funeral. I couldn't keep my composure. This time was the worst as far as anticipating the funeral. I was so nervous I could vomit. To get up in front of hundreds (yes there were hundreds) of people at his funeral and recite the Lord's Prayer in Hawaiian...I didn't know if I could do it. I prayed so hard beforehand for Leila and my Uncle to give me strength. I got through it just fine. I almost felt numb during the whole funeral. It was a beautiful service if there ever was one.

Now it's almost been a month and it hasn't gotten any easier. I watch my cousins as they sit quietly thinking about my Uncle and why this has all happened to him. I know the feeling. I would never wish this on anyone but I wonder why him? I'm going to be honest...why couldn't God take someone else? Someone who has done nothing but torment my family endlessly and laugh in our faces when someone we love so much dies? :( I just don't understand...

I'll leave with that...

Leila,

I can't tell you how jealous I am that most all of my favorite people are now in Heaven...I wish I was there with you all. I know you guys are all happy & healthy and I can't imagine you guys miss it down here...but I miss you all. Please give Uncle Kimo the biggest bear hug from me and tell him I miss him so much. I miss all of you. I love you all to pieces and hope that someday we will all be together again. I love you my sweet baby.

Love,

Mommy

Dead baby joke...

I love how my own cousin makes a "dead baby joke" on her facebook. When I comment with "lovely" sarcastically of course...she "likes" my comment. THEN I get a text from her saying, "My post wasn't anything towards you. Sorry if you took it the wrong way, and thought it was to you, it wasn't my intention whatsoever. Just know my posts are never directly to you, unless I say so. It was an inside joke, and I really shouldn't have to explain myself what it was for. But yeah, again; I'm sorry." Um notice the part I put in bold...how would you take that? Because I take that as her saying FUCK YOU for being offended, get over it...Am I wrong? I want to slap the shit out of her...excuse my "french" I am pissed! UGH *#&$(*&^%$#$%^&*&^%$#$%^&^%$#$%^!!!