Expert?

Yesterday I found out that Leila's little cousin passed away. To some it would just be a fetus or a ball of cells...but to me and many others it was a baby. It was an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin's girlfriend lost a fallopian tube with the baby. While I haven't been through this myself, I can only imagine her pain from what I know about my own and so many of my friends'. I called my Grammie to let her know I was thinking of her too. This was the second great-grandbaby she lost within such a short period of time. She was devastated to say the least and I was hurt to hear of another baby gone too soon. I guess it just brought back a lot of my own early feelings of grief. Grammie and I both agreed I should reach out to my cousin's girlfriend "D". Maybe I could be a shoulder to cry on...since I am the "expert" on grief, right? Ask me anything about grief: the feelings us grieving parents encounter, a special way to remember our children, how to throw a birthday party for a dead child/ren (sorry if this is too blunt), what an angelversary is etc. Ask me about raising babies and I couldn't tell you a damn thing...not from a mother's point of view anyways. I'm not a parenting mother...only the mother of an "angel". The fact of the matter is I'm not an expert. I'm not an expert when it comes to anything actually. I still don't know how to live without Leila. I still don't know how to be positive about this whole thing. I see so many people with such positive comments about what they've taken from this experience and yes I can come up with tons of positive things. So many blessings came from knowing Leila...but when it comes to my daily life it seems like I come up with nothing. All I do is complain...I realize that. I'm sure other people have realized that too. I am gratful, I truly am...it's just extreeeemely hard to be positive when I feel like I've lost so much of myself. Leila was/IS my world and I feel like that's all gone now. It's like I'm in a constant battle with myself telling myself I've lost...no I've gained...I don't know. Who knows if any of this even makes sense but I just felt like I had to get it out. I just miss her so much it's sometimes unbearable. I wish I was an expert on being a parent instead.

Leila,

We haven't talked in a while...not on here at least. I've missed you SO much lately. I feel like time is flying and before we know it your first birthday will be here. I can't even believe that. It's just too surreal. I've had plans for your first birthday for a while now and I'm excited to see how everything turns out. It brings me joy to plan something for you or in memory of you. I've found that for now projects are what keeps me happy. I feel like I'm meant for something that will change people's lives though I'm not sure what yet. I miss you so much baby girl. Simba has been keeping me TONS busy lately and I'm SO grateful for him. He has SO much energy I'm sure you two would love each other. I love you and miss you my child.

Love,
Mama

Introducing...

The newest edition to our family...Simba!!

He was my Christmas present from Mustafa and BOY did he come at a perfect time...This holiday season is just breaking my heart not having Leila here with us.

Simba has been a breath of fresh air from all this grief. He is SUCH a playful and loving little guy and I already love to spoil him. Oh and he absolutely loves spending time with his Mama :)

Leila,

Do you like your new puppy?? I imagine you chase him around the house when I watch him run from room to room so randomly. I know you would have loved having him as your little buddy growing up. He's so sweet and I know he would have loved you too. I hope you're having fun in heaven Leila boo, this holiday season just isn't the same without you...I miss you sweetie!

Love,

Mama

giveaway prize!

I told you guys I would post a picture of the bear I won from Mary over at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas Here it is!
Isn't is adorable?! It's SO soft and it even came with a certificate with Leila's name on it! Thank you Mary SO SO much, I just love it and I'm sure she does too!

WINNER!

I never win ANYTHING...seriously. I was so upset a couple weeks ago Mustafa and I went to his company's Christmas party and we put ALL of our tickets into the BIG box for the BIG all inclusive vacation for 2 to ANYWHERE in the world. I was SO confident we'd get it. My thought process was OK we've been through a LOT this year I think we deserve this...then the unthinkable...his co-worker wins! lol UGH She won TWICE that night. TWO paid vacations! One to Hawai'i and one to anywhere in the world! Shouldn't there a be a rule against someone winning twice? :/ Well there should have been. Maybe then we'd win...

Anyways, I finally won! Mary at Nobody Knows It But Me How I'm Missing Lukas held a giveaway for Tina's 25 days of giveaways

and I won!! She was giving away an adorable bear with your choice of one of the cute little outfits to go with it. I LOVE IT! Now I will have something to cuddle with in addition to Leila's blanket. It means so much to me, Thank you Mary! I'll add pics of the bear when I get it in the mail :) I can't wait!!

Leila,

I miss you ku'uipo. Tomorrow we're taking Christmas pictures and you won't be there...It just breaks my heart that I won't ever again see you in any other family pictures then the one we have together. You're supposed to be here for the holidays. I mean I know you'll be with us no matter what, I just wish I could hold you again. :(

Do you like the bear Mary is giving us?? :) Isn't it cute? Have you met Lukas up there yet? If you haven't you should look for him. I'm sure he's just as much of a sweetheart as his Mommy is. Please give him a hug and all the other babies a hug for me. Also tell Alyssa thank you for the Christmas card! and tell her Auntie Kalia loves her.

Mommy loves you!

No direction

This post is going to be ALL over the place because I have WAY too many things going on in my head lol...well first, I got all A's this term! :D YAY! I'm honestly SO surprised but VERY happy I did it!

Christmas

We finished our tree finally! Well I guess this was last weekend, but we had been putting it off for so long because of finals and just not having any time. But I'm proud to say it's done and I love it! I got an L for Leila :) I wanted to make dragonfly ornaments and add them to our tree but again, no time. BUT next year they will be there for sure!

Family

I'm just not sure how to put this other than, I'm REALLY angry at my family. NOT my immediate family but just others throughout my family...a cousin here, a cousin and an uncle there...*sigh* So, first story, my cousin (who is SO irresponsible by the way) got his girlfriend knocked up and she was due a couple months after me. She had her baby nice and healthy YAY for them...well then I just found that she is pregnant AGAIN!...Their son is 3 months old and she is expecting another one. They do NOT take care of their child now...have they never heard of BIRTH CONTROL?! They're living with my Grammie and sucking her dry. She is retired and should be enjoying her retirement but instead has to raise her great grandchild and now another on the way...AND not to mention my poor Aunt had a stroke a couple years ago and has to be taken care of 24/7. SO that means my Grammie has to take care of her own daughter, her grandchild and his girlfriend and now BOTH of their babies. I can't believe this. Is there anyone in charge of giving people babies? Because if there is I'd like to have a talk with them. This is just ridiculous and it really upsets me. p.s. I'm NOT saying they're not allowed to have children but c'mon...at LEAST be able to take care of yourselves and the one child you HAVE before you bring another child into this world. It's just sad. I know so many women who deserve to bring their children home and just don't get the chance too. They have done/do everything right and still there's no way to avoid their children dying :'( ...........On another note, I'm not really sure what to think of my Uncle and his family. He was the one who lectured me when he found out I was pregnant and then said nothing when Leila died. Absolutely nothing. Well this Friday my little cousin, who I think is 17 is singing in the Christmas choir and wants me to go support her. I know "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" but I just can't get myself to go. It really hurts my feelings that none of them came to Leila's funeral nor did they call or even send a card. I'm not looking for pity, I guess all I wanted was an "I'm sorry for your loss". I want to feel like they care about Leila. I guess even in death I feel like I need to come to my own daughter's defense. I don't want her to be forgotten by ANYONE, especially not my family.

Mail

I got mail!! Well I did AND Leila did :) Leila got a Christmas card from her Auntie Ann and cousin Alyssa. It is SO adorable by the way. I haven't had my camera lately so I'm not able to take pictures yet, but I'll edit this post and add them later. :) Thank you SO much Ann and Alyssa. We love you both SO much and are SO grateful for having you two in our lives. Her Christmas card really means a lot to me and I couldn't be more happy to receive it. p.s. this is her FIRST and probably ONLY Christmas card she will get this Christmas. :'( so when I say it really means a lot to me that you and Alyssa thought of her, I truly mean it. I love you guys!

I also got a birthday card in the mail! My birthday was November 21st but I think it was a little late because it was sent from Belgium! Can you believe that?! How sweet is that to send a card to someone who's not even in the same country? THAT just melted my heart. I'll include a picture of the card later. Thank you SO SO MUCH Rubia!! You can follow her journey at rubiadejimani.livejournal.com. She lost her sweet baby girl Yael @ 38 weeks (stillborn but STILL born) She is currently prego with rainbow so PLEASE all your thoughts and prayers with Yael's little brother or sister.

Well I think that is all for today. If you got this far then GREAT, if not I completely understand :)

Worst night ever

The other night was...TERRIBLE. I sat in the bathroom for over an hour crying. It was the worst I've cried since Leila died. *sigh* I don't want to go over what triggered it, but all I know is it was bad. It's been 8 months...you think it'd be "better" by now right? WRONG. I know people who STILL have these days after years and years of living without their children :( I just don't see it getting better any time soon. I feel SO bad for my mom because she wants so badly to help me, but she can't. She knows when I'm having bad days...well according to my status updates on facebook...but she sees the pain I have to deal with everyday and I know it just breaks her heart. I try to fake being happy when I'm around the family because I don't want them to see me sad all the time...Well, I don't know if "faking" it would be the right word because it almost sounds like I'm not happy when I'm with my family [even though I am]. I can be happy in the moment. It's overall though that I can say I'm not truly happy. I'm not happy now that my daughter's gone. I'm not happy I'll live with this for the rest of my life. I'm not happy that God has her and I don't. What I AM happy for is when I spend time with family. Seriously, they are the only people that have kept me going. When I say family I mean my blood family (not all of them lol), Mustafa, really close friends, my BLMs, etc. These are the people I have to thank for keeping me somewhat sane. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Also, thank you all for leaving me comments, I RARELY answer them and that's my fault :/ but I do want you all to know I read them and am VERY thankful for each and every one of them.

On another note, I've finally finished my christmas tree. It's been sitting in our living room bare for the longest time. It's pretty cute now :) I'll take pictures of our Christmas decorations later since Mustafa took our camera.

Leila,

It's really windy outside today so I can hear your wind chime right outside our window REALLY loud...and I LOVE it. I always feel like you're telling me, "Mama, I'm here". I know you're always with me and I love that. Did you see the little reindeer I got you that's sitting right beside your picture? Isn't it the cutest thing? I may have already mentioned it but I can't remember, so just in case I mentioned it again :) I love you SO much my baby and I continue to miss you MORE than you can even imagine. Did you notice our blog makeover? Isn't your precious face just adorable?? I think so!! Tutu always makes fun of your hairy little body [all in good fun of course :) ] but I know it was because you were so little. All that hair would have fallen out lol. Either way you are the cutest baby ever...no matter how tiny and hairy you were/would have been.

p.s. thank you for letting your mama borrow your blankie every night, it really does bring me comfort to cuddle up with it.

Love,

Mama

If I ever

If I ever see her again, what would I say? Would I yell? cry?...I have dreams about her constantly...to the point where I almost seem obsessed with the whole thing. My ex-best friend still believes that she can relate to me after she chose to have an abortion. I know I've probably talked about this a million times but I just can't shake this. I know that I will NEVER be friends with her again...never. I just feel like I need closure. I have SO much to say to her that I can say on my blog, facebook, to Mustafa a million times that she would never hear and that in itself just eats me up inside. I want her to know how I feel...how angry I am that she wasn't there. The fact that she made up excuse after excuse as to why she didn't come visit us in the hospital. Why she didn't come to March for Babies when she promised me she would. Why she couldn't pick up the damn phone to tell me how sorry she was. I just can't get over it. I mean, I'm over it I just can't stop thinking about it. So does that mean I'm not really over it? I know I shouldn't even waste my time trying to explain things to her because we will never have the friendship we once did, but I can't help but feel like I at least have to tell her that. I want her to know. Not for her sake, but for my own sanity. In my dreams of her I'm always so angry. I'm either yelling at the top of my lungs at her or beating her ass. p.s. I'm not a violent person AT ALL. I guess this is just my sub-conscience trying to release all the anger I feel towards her somehow. I guess it has to go somewhere, huh? I don't know if I've already said this, I probably have, but about a month ago (I think) Mustafa ran into her at a concert, party, whatever and she cried to him saying that she needs to talk to me. I've heard her cry and apologize for other things she's said/done in the past so I wasn't moved this time around. I really didn't care. Kind of laughed about it even. It just seems so fake to me. Anyways Mustafa and I are at a point where we just want her to leave us alone. She comes with TOO much drama that I especially don't need in my life right now. Like I've said before I know we won't be friends, I just want to get this out of my system and move on. *sigh*............