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I'm making my blog private soon. If you'd like to keep reading you can send me an email at kalialani.cruz@gmail.com with your email address, message me on facebook.com/Kalialani or just comment with your email address on this post.

Just like that

The world comes crashing down on me again...just like that. Grief has ahold of me today. Nearly 3 years later and this news still affects me just as it did when I first lost her. I thought I could handle it, but I can't. I try to be happy for others but my grief just won't let me. Just like that I'm back at square one trying to sort out my feelings and come to a conclusion. One of these days I just want to be at peace with everything and everyone around me. I hate this feeling of jealousy, envy and just pure sorrow. At the end of the day I have to realize I still don't have my baby and it will be long before I ever do again. She's never coming back no matter how hard I wish it to be true. No matter how hard I try to stay positive I just can't see the light at the end of this tunnel. It hurts so bad I can't even describe the pain I feel. All the love in the world couldn't make me feel better today...and that fucking sucks. Days like these I wish I could just sit at her grave and wail so loudly and forget the fact that people think I should have moved on by now. I just need to be near her. My heart aches today...so bad. On that note I have nothing more to say...

I feel you in my dreams

I had a dream last night. I was walking to school with an urn, I'm not sure whose, but I thought it was my daughter's (even though she is buried). Then I was walking with a baby girl in my arms. At first I wasn't sure whose it was because I couldn't remember being pregnant a second time, but she felt like mine. I squeezed her tight and cried so hard. I was talking to an older couple with this baby in my arms when something huge had just flown by. I didn't get a chance to see what it was when something else landed on my nose. It was a big beautiful butterfly. Then I looked over and realized the other flying thing was a beautiful dragonfly. It was in one place, only a few feet away..like it was just looking at me. I cried so hard and laughed at the same time. I told the couple, "it's my daughter, I can't believe it." She sent the butterfly and dragonfly to say hello and let me know that everything would be alright. I can't describe the joy I felt in that moment...and once again she reassured me that she is always by my side. Some might think it was just a dream, but I know it was more than that. I've been waiting to feel her again and finally my dream came true. 

Leila baby, 

Mommy has been waiting to feel your presence again. I know you're always with me, but it feels good to get a little reassurance every once in a while. Thank you for coming to me in my dream. As always, it's a priceless moment I will never forget. I miss you so much. Your Daddy and I have been reminiscing a lot about the good old days when his Cookie Monster was still here. It's almost Halloween again and we wish we were taking you trick-or-treating. I hope you're having fun up there with all your baby friends. I love you so much! 

Love always,
Mommy

Miss you

I can't believe I haven't been here since your birthday. I've been meaning to write to you so many times, but I never take the time to do so. I've been missing you SO much lately. Well that has never changed...but still. Your daddy and I have been talking about you and thinking about what you would look like by now. It's always been something I'd wondered about. Anytime I see a little girl (toddler) I think of you and how you would be talking and holding my hand skipping as we walked in the grocery store. It's so weird to imagine how different life would be with a toddler now. I wish I knew. I just wanted to say hello to my little princess and let you know that I miss you SO much. I love you. You'll always be my little girl...

Love,
Mommy

Happy 2nd Birthday Leila!

I had been preparing for this day for a while now...I guess you could say as soon as her 1st birthday was over I was thinking about the next year already. I knew it would come fast, I just didn't expect time to fly this fast. I had planned to go to the cemetery with Mustafa and his family yesterday. It was a nice trip and I'm glad we did it together. Last night though, I was a mess...it came all of a sudden when I didn't really expect it. I'm usually OK around this time...February is the month that's hardest for me for some reason...I guess the anticipation of this day hurts the most. This year though was pretty hard all around. Last night I fought the tears for the most part...until morning came. This morning I couldn't believe she turned 2. I decided that I would make cupcakes and get a sandwich platter and take them to the NICU. Yesterday I called the NICU that Leila was in to make sure it would be OK for me to come and bring food. A woman named Grace answered the phone and sounded like the sweetest, most appreciative person I know. Mustafa and I took the elevator up to the West NICU where the level III NICU was. Apparently they had moved and we were told to go down one floor. Grace greeted us at the door with a smile and plenty of thanks. We talked over the phone about Leila and her turning 2...but I hadn't told her she wouldn't be joining us today. She told the other nurses about Leila and how we were so sweet to bring stuff for her birthday and that she turned 2 today. Then she asked where she was. I told her she passed away and she gave me a big hug. They were even more thankful we were there. That made me feel good. Grace was nice enough to walk us around both NICUs and showed us the changes the hospital was making. They're remodeling the West NICU where Leila stayed, so there currently were no beds or babies in there. She took us in anyways and walking through the door I immediately looked to the corner where Leila's isolette was. It was like I was back there 2 years ago. Even though I never wanted us to be there, I was glad to be back. It's always felt like a second home even though we were only there 18 days. It was where I spent all my time with Leila and where Leila spent her whole life. She walked us around the current West NICU where all the babies were. I glanced in each room at the tiny little babies and their families visiting. I looked over at a mom with a tiny little bottle feeding her micro-preemie. I immediately broke down. Grace looked over at me and took me in her arms. She said she hoped it wasn't a bad cry...but it was a mixture of both. I was so happy that they were making such positive changes in the NICU for the families, but I was sad for us. I wish we got the chance to make it out of there with our baby alive. I wish we were one of the lucky ones. But then I remembered that all the love Leila brought to our lives and all the amazing people I've met because of her...and then I smiled. I was still sad for us, but happy for these other families. One thing I was upset about was that they got rid of the Butterfly Room where we spent private moments with Leila after she died. It was still called the Butterfly Room, but they painted over all the pretty butterflies with plain white paint. I don't know what the point of that was, but all the nurses were upset over it as well. Grace told us we should complain about it...and I will! This time though I want to suggest a purple dragonfly room. :) I hope they will at least consider it. We'll see. Anyways, overall I'm very happy Mustafa and I went to the NICU. Grace told us we were always welcome to visit anytime. I'll take her up on that offer for sure. Even though it's hard, I love being there.

This is the dragonfly Mustafa and I found for Leila yesterday. The wings glow in the dark and I love it! :)

We found a dragonfly balloon at the store we got her flowers at. We had a pretty dragonfly balloon for her 1st birthday too. We always get lucky with those :-)

Oh I forgot to mention...unfortunately Kristin (our fave NICU nurse) wasn't there, but Grace gave her my contact info and talked to her about me coming. She said Kristin remembered us. I always knew she was genuine, but I think it's so sweet that she remembers exactly who Leila is and has so much love for her still...and always will. I hope I can see her again.

Leila baby,

I can't believe you're two years old today! Mommy misses you SO SO much and wishes you were here with us. It was definitely hard to go back to the NICU without you, but being able to walk around there again and talk about you with the nurses felt good. Even though you're not here with us I'm sure you were looking down today and smiling. Today was a very sad day for your mama but also a reminder that you have so many people who love and adore you. Thank you for choosing me to be your Mommy. I can't wait for the day that I can hold you again and sing Happy Birthday to you in person.

I love you sweetness. Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

I'm ashamed to say...

Very few people know the true meaning of family anymore. I'm over everyone at this point. I haven't learned my lesson yet and I probably never will. I expect too much from people apparently. My auntie died this morning (my stepdad's sister). She may not be related by blood but she is my family. My parents and I are trying to find a way to get everyone to North Carolina (from Oregon) this weekend for the funeral and just to be there for our family.Period. The few people I've told (who are close to me) have told me that my stepdad should be the only one to go since it's his sister...and "wow that's going to be expensive". Is this what people truly think is important? If it were to happen to their family by blood or marriage, would they just think of how inconvenient it would make their own lives? Is the immediate family affected by this loss not important? My Grammie & Grampie (stepdad's parents) have just lost their oldest child...do they not think that we should be there for them?! How fucking inconsiderate can people be? WHY do they have no compassion? No.fucking.empathy.whatsoever. I can't express enough how ashamed I am of such selfish people. I would spend my last dime (and will) to get my family out to N. Carolina whether I can be there or not. I would drop any responsibilities I have to my job or school to be there for my family. Maybe that's just how I was raised though. Maybe that's not the norm for other people...but shouldn't it be? I don't know. Who cares...all I know is this makes me angry.

Leila,

Baby, please send my love to Auntie Mindy. Knowing death is a possibility doesn't make it any easier to lose the ones you love. If I had been able to raise you, I would teach you that family is everything to us and family does not mean you have to be blood related. Grammie & Grampie have just lost their first baby like I lost you. I will never understand why some children die before their parents. I wish it wasn't so. I wish I never felt this pain and I wish my grandparents never felt this pain. It's not fair. I miss you.

Mommy loves you

:'(

FUCK ME! My cousin who is pregnant is having a girl. I didn't think it would be such a big deal. No I did...that's the whole reason I blocked her from facebook. I can't handle this. I want to curl up in a ball and die. It's just not fair why some people can keep their babies and others can't. WHY couldn't I keep my baby?! Why do I have to live through this? Why couldn't He take me instead?!! I would much rather have her live and I die. UGHHHHHH!!!!! I wish my Tutu were here. She is the only BLM in my family who I would ever be able to talk to...but even she's with her baby now. It's not fair! I have nothing more. These pages will be filled with curse words if I keep going. I'm going to cry myself to sleep now. I can't handle this...