1.21.12

I'm sorry I haven't written in my blog for so long. I start a post and then I never finish it. I'll try to get better about posting more frequently, 'cause Lord knows I need it.

Life without my child has a been a hell hole. I'm not going to lie. I've changed so much. It will be two years in just a few months and I still don't feel like I've gone anywhere with this. I don't cry as much as I used to and I'm able to go through stores and actually look at kids and smile...but my grief still remains the same. The difference is I've started seeing someone for it. I actually like talking to her, but so far it hasn't made a difference...will it ever though? I don't think so. I'm not really sure the point of it actually. It makes me feel better for the time being, but then a few days or weeks later...it's back. I can't shake this dark feeling I've been having lately. A couple weeks ago I got a tattoo on my wrist of Leila's name and that night is when I realized I'm pretty sure I'm depressed. I've been acting differently...I don't know how to explain it, but apparently my mom and cousin can see it too. I'm distant. I feel it too...I just don't want to do anything to change it I guess. I just want to be alone. The rest of my life I suppose. That's a lonely and sad life if you ask me, but I don't want to bring anyone else down with me. I think I'm depressed..but I'm not sure. I'm able to function on a daily basis...I can get things done. I can even feel happy on certain days, but overall I hate my life. I feel no hope. No motivation to live. Don't get me wrong I would never kill myself, but I do think about if I were to die today...I would be happy. It sounds strange and morbid, but I'm not afraid of death that's for sure. I'd almost prefer it to this feeling of emptiness in life. I feel completely empty. I feel like life and people are pulling me in all different directions until they can't pull anymore. I feel weak and stretched to my limit. I'm tired all the time and just want to sleep my days away. I broke up with M back in July and that has taken a toll on me. I thought many times I would get back together with him, that now is just not the right time...but now I don't even want to be with him. That kills me. I feel like another person has died. Only it was our relationship and the last direct connection to Leila. Last night he and I went to the movies. He held my hand and told me he was happy we had her. Tears came down so fast I couldn't stop them. It took a lot of energy to try and keep my feelings inside but I just wanted to scream. I hate that she died. I absolutely hate it. There's this big lump in my throat that I just can't swallow anytime I hear of a new person pregnant in my circle of friends or family. I'm not happy for them. I hate myself for it. But I hate that I can't have my baby even more. I just wish I could change everything...obviously I can't change what happened, but I can change the way I feel about it right? Maybe I just don't want to. I don't know...I really don't. I don't get pleasure out of the things I used to anymore. Or maybe I find pleasure in things that I never did before and that's the problem. I'm self-destructive. Not because I want to be...I think. None of this is even making any sense. That's why it's all so frustrating to me. Nothing makes sense anymore. WHAT am I supposed to learn from all this? I just need some direction. Turning to God didn't help me. I wish it did. I thought church would help but I know that the institution of church just isn't for me. I'm not religious, just spiritual. I choose to have my own relationship with God outside of churches, priests, bibles, etc...but it hasn't changed the way I feel about my life. I just hate it. On top of that, I'm tired of people telling me what I should do. It's MY life and if I make certain decisions and eventually learn that they were the wrong decisions, DON'T tell me "I told you so". That shit just pisses me off...Anyways I think that's enough complaining for one day. Here are the pictures of my tattoo and Leila's grave I visited last weekend...

I love her stone now just as much as I did the first day I seen it.

Leila,

I wish I could have held you a little longer and took more pictures than I did. I wish I would have known what I know now. It kills me everyday to think I could have had more if I would have known. I could have had more memories if I had written more about you when you were in the NICU. I could have had more pictures to look at now if we had taken more while you were in the NICU. I wish I would've had more support while you were in there. Maybe if I'd had more hope for you in there, you would have lived. I love you so much I can't stand that you're not here with me. I know I'm selfish because you're in the best place you could ever be...but I want to be there with you. I'm jealous that you're with some amazing family members up there and not with me. I'm jealous that I can't be one of those Mommies that watch their babies grow. The most amazing feeling I will never forget is holding you against my chest. I can feel your warmth now and wish you were there again. I miss you more than words could ever express. It's true, I swear. It breaks my heart each day I wake up and you're not there. I miss you SO much. I hope I see you soon. I know it won't be soon enough though.

Mommy loves you!

Christmas Eve

Sorry all for not writing for so long...life has been so crazy it's just been really hard to keep up with my blog anymore :(

Today though I felt I had to write...facebook has this new "timeline" profile where you can easily go back and look at all the past posts, comments, pictures...everything you've ever posted on facebook before. It's a gift and curse all in one. Of course I was curious to look back at my posts from when Leila was born. I thought it was a good idea at the time...but it only made me feel worse. I had so much hope for her, for us...and then on April 9, 2010 that all came crashing down. I remember not wanting to post anything about her dying that day...so I waited. Then people started asking me for an update with her and I finally had to post something on the 13th. I remember this chunk of time like it was yesterday...how I felt, what I was thinking, what people said to me. I was crushed to say the least. Looking at those posts honestly ruined the holidays...not that they were so spectacular to begin with, but Christmas is my favorite holiday. Now that Leila is gone and I have no other children, it's so hard to be really excited for the holidays. All the presents I'm buying for other people has got me thinking about how I should be buying them for my baby instead. I'm not buying clothes or toys for her this year...only things in memory or in honor of her...and I.Hate.It.

I miss her so much.

Leila,

I'm sorry I haven't written to you in so long, but I think about you daily, no lie...and even more than that. I've seen you in my dreams recently and I'm so grateful for that. I wish I could see you more than that, but I know I can't be selfish. I can't believe your second birthday is coming up so fast and I'm not really sure what to do this year. Your mom has been so caught up in trying to keep busy, that I haven't even been able to sit down and just breathe for a minute. I hope to be able to get back to doing things I love...mostly crocheting...but we'll see. I know your Daddy and I aren't together anymore but we plan on coming to see you together. I hope you know we both love you SO much and think about you constantly. You are never forgotten, my baby.

Mama loves you sweetie.

Why do the good die young?

I haven't posted here in a long time but I wanted to do a quick update...hopefully quick

On May 26th my mom and I were called and told my Uncle was in the ICU. He had just undergone kidney surgery and had some heart problems during the surgery. We rushed to Washington as fast as I could where we spent three of some of the longest days of our lives. There was always someone holding my Uncle's hand at all times. On May 28th my cousin asked me if I wanted to hold my Uncle's hand. I sat next to my Uncle held his hand and rubbed it hoping he would wake up and smile at me but he was under a medically induced coma and couldn't do anything like that even if he wanted to. The nurse noticed something wasn't right and checked for a pulse, they couldn't find it. We were told to leave the room while they tried to get him back. The minutes seemed like days. We finally were called back into the room but were told that with all of the cardiac arrests he'd had the past few days, the strain on his heart was too much to handle now. As a family, we decided we had put him through too much the past few days. He went to heaven on May 28, 2011 around 7pm. That was the day after my Tutu's (his sister) 9 year angelversary. This would be the second death in my family after Leila. I can't even begin to tell you the hurt I feel after the death of my Uncle Kimo. I never thought this day would come so soon. I was JUST with my Uncle a couple weeks before...I don't understand why the good die young...

When my Tutu died my Uncle kind of took over as the "dad" and "grandmother/father" my mom and I were missing in our lives. He was with us through every important event in our lives...and even the not so important ones. He was there when Leila was born. He drove 3 hours each way just to see me and Leila. He brought dinner to the hospital for the whole family. He was there when Leila died. He was there for weeks afterwards. He was always there. My heart is still so heavy...especially for my cousins and auntie who are now missing a Daddy and Husband. He was the best Daddy anyone could ever ask for...I just can't believe he's gone...and I was the last person to hold his hand while he was still alive :(

His funeral was almost 2 weeks after. For the last two funerals I recited the Lord's Prayer in Hawaiian. This one I would do the same. It brought me all the way back to 9 years ago when I first recited it at my Tutu's funeral. I couldn't keep my composure. This time was the worst as far as anticipating the funeral. I was so nervous I could vomit. To get up in front of hundreds (yes there were hundreds) of people at his funeral and recite the Lord's Prayer in Hawaiian...I didn't know if I could do it. I prayed so hard beforehand for Leila and my Uncle to give me strength. I got through it just fine. I almost felt numb during the whole funeral. It was a beautiful service if there ever was one.

Now it's almost been a month and it hasn't gotten any easier. I watch my cousins as they sit quietly thinking about my Uncle and why this has all happened to him. I know the feeling. I would never wish this on anyone but I wonder why him? I'm going to be honest...why couldn't God take someone else? Someone who has done nothing but torment my family endlessly and laugh in our faces when someone we love so much dies? :( I just don't understand...

I'll leave with that...

Leila,

I can't tell you how jealous I am that most all of my favorite people are now in Heaven...I wish I was there with you all. I know you guys are all happy & healthy and I can't imagine you guys miss it down here...but I miss you all. Please give Uncle Kimo the biggest bear hug from me and tell him I miss him so much. I miss all of you. I love you all to pieces and hope that someday we will all be together again. I love you my sweet baby.

Love,

Mommy

Dead baby joke...

I love how my own cousin makes a "dead baby joke" on her facebook. When I comment with "lovely" sarcastically of course...she "likes" my comment. THEN I get a text from her saying, "My post wasn't anything towards you. Sorry if you took it the wrong way, and thought it was to you, it wasn't my intention whatsoever. Just know my posts are never directly to you, unless I say so. It was an inside joke, and I really shouldn't have to explain myself what it was for. But yeah, again; I'm sorry." Um notice the part I put in bold...how would you take that? Because I take that as her saying FUCK YOU for being offended, get over it...Am I wrong? I want to slap the shit out of her...excuse my "french" I am pissed! UGH *#&$(*&^%$#$%^&*&^%$#$%^&^%$#$%^!!!

Mother's Day #2

I'm sitting here hugging Leila's blanket and staring at her picture. I hate this holiday...I really do. I'm not really a mother anymore...at least I don't feel like one at all. People walk past me and don't see a child in my arms...they don't see me as a mother and neither do I. The first Mother's day I had was exactly a month after Leila died. It goes without saying that it wasn't easy at all. I guess I thought it would get easier...who was I kidding? I'm sitting here bawling my eyes out feeling so sorry for myself again...and here I go again asking the same questions...why did MY child have to die? Why her? Why ME? On top of that most of my own family doesn't recognize me as a mother :'( That hurts the most, but I get it. They either don't feel comfortable saying it because they think it'll make me upset..or they don't think they should say it because I'm NOT a mother anymore...either way it's all shitty. This is #2 of MANY to come...devastating...I'm devastated, heartbroken and emotionally drained. I don't know how I've made it this far and knowing I have many more to go (unless of course something happens to me unexpectedly) just kills me. Why does anyone have to go through life with their child/ren dead? It doesn't make sense...never will. No matter how many times I try to rationalize it, it never.gets.easier...never. My biological dad just added me on facebook...random and weird...and do you think he'll say Happy Mother's Day to me? Fuck.no. I'd roll over and die before I'd expect to hear anything from him acknowledging Leila...but does it hurt my feelings? Hell yes it does.

Mustafa gave me a kiss this morning and told me Happy Mother's Day before I went to work. He's a sweetheart and doesn't really know what to say to make me feel better, but I appreciate the acknowledgement. My family and I went to breakfast this morning...of course everyone was there for Mother's Day. Mothers and babies EVERYWHERE...I shouldn't have gone but it was for my mom that I went. My uncle called my mom to say Happy Mother's day to her and I. I just started bawling in the restaurant :'( I seen one lady stare at me as I burst into tears and do you think I gave a fuck? NO. I really don't care anymore who feels uncomfortable with what I do or say about my baby dying. I'm over it. Anyways...wishing babyloss mamas everywhere a peaceful Mother's Day and wishing I could give you all a hug in person. Love you guys, thank you for being my rock.

Leila,

Mama hasn't been here in a while. I haven't forgotten about you of course. I'm sorry I didn't come see you while I was in town yesterday. :'( I really wanted to but no one could make time to take me over there. I'm really sorry sweetie. I miss you SO much and today hurts my heart knowing that I don't get to spend it with you. You are all I want for Mother's Day and I can't have you. It just isn't fair. I hope Tutu and Tutu Nui are taking good care of you up there and I don't doubt that they are. I only wish it was me being able to do all those things for you. Please wish Tutu & Tutu Nui a very Happy Mother's Day for me baby. I miss you all and love you with ALL my heart.

Love,

Mommy

4.10.10 your funeral

I had plenty of time to get ready, but I didn't. I couldn't put on make-up and curl my hair for your funeral. Maybe that was my way of saying fuck you life. (excuse my language) I didn't give a shit about anything but you. I held you instead of getting ready. I felt like there was a lump stuck in my throat the whole day. Uncle Josh had come to town from Idaho the night you died but I only seen him the morning of your funeral. I didn't want to leave you in the room alone. I came downstairs, saw him and cried in his arms. I couldn't believe he was here for my daughter's funeral. How did we get here? The kids (your aunties and uncle) hadn't seen you and didn't even know you were in the house. We didn't want to freak them out, so we didn't tell them. We were getting ready for the funeral and the kids went with Uncle so we could take you with Tutu and Grampie in their car. We picked Uncle Jordan and Chris up on the way out. I could barely look them in the face. On the way to the funeral was extremely stressful. I cried the whole way. We finally got there where everyone was awaiting our arrival. We were late...like always. I stepped out with you and Auntie Nani & Uncle Makoa wanted to see you. They gave you a kiss on the forehead. Auntie Nani is a softie and so is Uncle Makoa so they cried really hard as soon as they seen you. I could see that your death really affected them even though they hadn't met you until now. I sat with you on the chairs set up around the hole they had dug for you. I was the only one sitting. It was awkward as hell sitting there with you as everyone stared at me. I didn't want to be there...well of course I didn't. Daddy, Uncle Waled and Uncle Haythem took you and prayed over you as they laid you in the ground. Daddy had never been to a funeral his whole life. His daughter's was his first...how fucked up is that? Papa shoveled some of the dirt and put it over you. We watched until the whole grave was covered. They stuck an ugly gold plaque to mark where you placed. I'm happy (and not) to say that that ugly thing is replaced with a beautiful grave marker now.

The first year after your death is now complete. Do I feel any different than I did the day you died? In some ways yes and others no. I still can't believe you're gone and I hate to accept it, but I have (sort of?). I've changed...a lot. I've matured a lot but I'm also a much more bitter person...unfortunately. I still can't look at a pregnant woman and be happy for them. I still get jealous when I see moms toting their babies around in stores. I still hate that I walk past the baby section and am not getting anything for you. I hate that all of my friends are starting to get pregnant for the first time and I have to see their bellies grow (no offense friends), I hate that no one really gives a shit anymore about me being sad, they're over it. I hate that I feel pity for myself...is this me being pitiful? who knows...I could name tons more but I'm out of energy being so negative.

Today was not a good day. Matter of fact, it might have been the worst along with the day you died. I just miss you so much. What more can I say?

I love you Leila.

the day you died 4.9.10

I've gone over this day a million times in my head. It's been a year and still the details of this day are engraved in my memories. That morning they showed me the results of your x-ray...I knew what the outcome would be, I just didn't want to believe it. I thought there could be some other solution...but there wasn't. You were too young to even attempt surgery on your intestines. They told me you wouldn't survive. But really I thought, how could they know? They thought you wouldn't survive even being born and look at you then...You were doing so well. I accepted their answer though. I didn't want to put you through anything more than what you already had been through. Even though I want to believe you could have survived the surgery, I don't think you would've. It's not that you weren't strong enough...you were. You had strength beyond anyone's imagination. It was your body that wouldn't make it. I don't blame it. It was my body's fault you were born so early anyways. I blame my body. I walked to your bedside and cried. I thought maybe a miracle would happen. Maybe your intestines would heal themselves by some miracle and maybe your brain hemorrhaging would leave no damage. That would only happen in a story book though. Not in real life. I had to accept the fact that you were going to have to leave us that day. Your body was weak, I could tell the fight was over. Your daddy and I sat by your bedside and just stared at you. We had no words. None of us ever thought this day would come...even knowing how low your chances for survival was. Daddy hadn't got to hold you yet. Today he did. The nurse took a few of your IV's out and handed you over to Daddy. He held you and cried so hard. I watched the tears stream down his face as he looked at you and touched your tiny fingers. I don't even recall how much time had passed, I only remember it went fast. It wasn't too long before your heart beat started slowing down. We knew it was time for you to go. Daddy handed you to me and I held you. Time didn't slow down at all. I whispered in your ear and told you it was OK to go and kissed you goodbye. Your eyes opened one last time and it was like you went to sleep...peacefully. They turned off the ventilator helping you breath. I felt your fingers and they were already cold. The color from your face started to leave. I knew you were gone. I walked with you in my arms past other babies, mothers and nurses. They looked at me because they knew. I was crying so hard carrying you. They put the picture of the leaf with a drop of water on the door. I knew that was the sign for don't bother the grieving family in the room. I hated that sign. Hours went by in the Butterfly Room. You died at 9:31am and by the time we were done in the room, it was close to 4pm. Daddy washed your body with Uncle Haythem while I went to the NICU waiting room to see our family. Sitting in that room was absolute torture. I watched families come in with Congratulations balloons waiting to see the newborn babies. I couldn't believe I was there. How could I be sitting in that room while my dead baby was in the other room?...and I was still alive. How could I be "ok"? Why didn't I die with you? I still don't know how I survived that...how I'm surviving it. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart aches for you. We tried to make it to the funeral home an hour away to have you buried that same day. I couldn't bear leaving you at the mortuary by yourself...we ended up taking you home for the night. I treated you like you were still alive. I looked at you, kissed you, held you the whole time. If I didn't hold you, Tutu held you. I don't even think I took a shower. I remember pumping that night. I had waited to pump for too long, so my boobs hurt. It was like life's sick way of torturing me even more. Reminding me that you wouldn't need that milk. Daddy and I stayed at Tutu & Grampie's house that night...well so did you. You slept right next to me...and surprisingly I got a lot of sleep. The next morning is when it hit me...